This so precisely describes my experience, thank you for writing it. I only came to grips with my identity 7 months ago now, at age 41. My childhood home was physically and mentally abusive and my survival instinct was incredibly strong. I also felt like I could stretch the boundaries of what 'man' was far enough to include myself, and indeed I queered up every situation I was in as much as possible and surrounded myself with musicians, artists, punks, people with open views on sexuality and gender. But when I finally learned what a transgender person was in 2015, some part of me immediately knew. And I just shut that down immediately because I felt too old already at 31. I didn't let myself learn about HRT or surgical interventions. But I supported my friends who did those things and went out of my way to get to know every trans person I could. I was fascinated but did not want to seem creepy. And indeed, I watched some of my good friends live through and create chaos and disruption that seemed completely untenable to me, completely at odds with my calculus of 'safe'. For me that looked like buying land, building a home, being self-employed for years and being in a supportive long-term relationship. That's how much I needed to finally allow myself to crack and I am so goddamn lucky I was even able to achieve all that and have incredible friends to support me as I figured out what was wrong and why I had become such a wild alcoholic despite all my 'success' in life. So now that I am out and I so very much happier and at peace with myself, I am completely radicalized towards informed consent, widespread cultural awareness and early in life access to care. No one should have to live through what we all lived through, what I lived through. Society will let us be ourselves happily, or I will personally be at war with the culture that denies this, which I will wage with every form of art I can devise so that every person I can reach will have a chance to know the truth.