Being brainwashed has its advantages. I know. I lived in the Synanon cult.

Once you've bought into the party line, life is simple. Your main goal is to show everyone else the way. Your life has direction. You can be happy and glowing knowing you're going in the right direction, working for humankind's common good and betterment. You have someone with all the answers. When you have doubts – that churning of the gut – it can always be blamed on your negativity and laziness, and there's always someone there to set you back on track.

But that nagging feeling lingers. You push it further and further in the background, refusing to acknowledge it. You become the proclaimer of The Word. You shun those who don't believe; you can't bear to be with someone not one hundred percent committed. "If you're going to be here, be a believer. Otherwise, leave." I said that many a time. I wouldn't even let someone voice those thoughts in the Game, our open forum where you could say anything. "If you don't like it, leave." 

I finally snapped, but it took eight years. It took losing my husband and then my baby to the cult before I stood up for myself, before I stood up to power and peer pressure.

And then I left.