I’ve been distracted, emotional, and unbalanced.

I think it’s called Ambiguous Grief.

My 8-yr old retriever has arthritis.

A few weeks ago, he tore his left ACL.

A few weeks after that, he tore his right.

We’ve been to the vet 4 times in the last 6 weeks.

He’s gotten x-rays and medicines - but surgery is not recommended as he is a “senior dog.”

My heart breaks every day when:

• I carry him up the stairs

• He eats his food laying down

• Our walks only last 5 min before he sits down

We are now proud owners of a car ramp, couch stairs, and I’m still looking for a bed ramp that fits in our bedroom.

We’ve got the paperwork ready for a leg brace but yesterday the vet said it won’t help the arthritis.

We’re upping his medicine and adding another joint supplement.

• I miss our hikes.

• I miss our playful morning routine.

• I miss my Charlie but he’s still here with us.

I feel guilt, sorrow, and loss of what was - then more guilt about not being present with what is.

Did we bring this on with the many adventures we demanded of him?

Were we wrong to throw the ball with him?

I can’t help but think about what’s next.

I’m grieving him while he’s still here.

I’m sorry, Charlie.