Last night, I woke up every few hours agonizing about how I should end the relationship, so imagine my surprise to see that my letter to Polly was answered and in my inbox this morning. A letter that I hastily wrote and sent and immediately felt like I did a poor job explaining and gave even poorer examples? I considered sending an amendment, but decided against it, thinking that the broad questions have been answered over and over, and I should invest instead in figuring out my own feelings, instead of asking a very familiar stranger. A very familiar stranger who, shortly after I sent the email, posted "I'm Overthinking My Overthinking Again." And I found clarity in it, specifically (I can't figure out how to link it, so I'll paste):
"Overthinking everything is often a side effect of not knowing how you feel — or not standing up for your feelings once you discover what they are. Maybe your parents treated your emotions as wildly inconvenient or taxing or irrational, so you wound up trying to talk yourself out of every desire you had. And after decades of talking yourself out of your emotions, it becomes extremely difficult to interpret the meaning of any sensation...Your body pays the price. Instead of enjoying your felt experience, you live inside your head, which is always making random noise like a rattle full of beads."
I need to get over my shock at the timing and also still digest Polly's response to my ACTUAL letter. But thank you--for responding. I do come off like a snobby arrogant hypocrite who is blind to her own flaws. I can only say that it takes a lot for me to get out of my head and feel things, and I don't know that I am able to feel in this relationship--both because of my own reservations but also because the his emotional depth and vulnerability doesn't present in a way I can understand, where I can FEEL instead of think think think all the time....
I am processing and appreciating the comments. Thank you.