This was wonderful. Tell me why your last line nearly made me cry?! I loved all these thoughts and the way you linked them. The thoughts of right life/wrong life resonate so much. We have discussed this briefly on notes once - but nothing screams wrong life than long term illness, and completely encourages an existential crisis of this is not the right life for me. But ultimately, over lots of time and therapy, I had to learn how to see bits of good and allow right & wrong life to merge together into just life. That is not to say I don’t panic often about the trajectory of my life that I have pretty minimal control over. Having to change my dreams & goals is a whole other aspect that I haven’t been able to come to terms with yet. Sometimes being in denial feels like you can trick your brain into ‘we will get to the right life soon’.

I must watch Perfect Days now! Thanks for this essay, it was so good!!