Oof. I think you just forced me to face this fact in myself. How I am relating (or not) to my jabbed beloveds. I thought perhaps that I have been preemptively grieving them since I first started my research, have had insomnia for over a year, cried every night for a long time, cry whenever alone in the car--I thought it was worry fatigue that has caused me to be unable to rally much of a genuine concern or emotional worry for my people lately. I am extremely sensitive/empathetic, so its hard to imagine that I've run out of care. What you said struck me viscerally, and it's hard to admit to knowing what you mean.

We don't even live on the same planet, have a shared reality, any ground that isn't shaky. They too are sensitive and intelligent people, and they must be observing what I am, even if they aren't reading what I am, they have to feel the truth of our situation, think back to all the seeds I planted, and yet they just sleepwalk, so disengaged in all ways. I'm always painfully uncomfortable around my favorite people now, and its depressing as hell. Because we were close, so close! It's such a betrayal. I can't share my thoughts on anything that matters to me, and they won't just let down their guards and share their fears with me. Me! The one person who would believe them and understand completely, research protocols and advocate for them. I feel like I'm standing on one side of a large canyon, my people on the other side. They are so far away from me, communication is almost impossible. We shadowbox sometimes. I feel for them (myriad new health issues), but I also feel like I already lost them. It's as though their inability to get past the jab issue created an inability to share any part of their lives with me save obligatory updates. I feel they deeply distrust me, like I'm waiting to say I told you so. Its as if they don't know me at all, and that's the ultimate heart break of this.

In the before time, I was a trusted confidant and sister/daughter/friend. Now I am held at arm's length, creating the distance we all feel, yet somehow they blame and resent me for it with ninja like magical thinking. Once they had made their minds and got the jabs, I dropped all talk of them. I didn't want them scared or feeling hounded after the fact. I showed them the respect I expected them to show me. I wasn't afforded that respect or grace, but they act as though roles are reversed, like I showed them disdain or judgment. I think maybe I embody all of their doubts. Who wants to spend time with a specter/mirror like that? They had concerts to go to, restaurants to dine at, vacations to plan for. . . all the while knowing I was barred from enjoying those things, knowing I was terrified of mandates. So who are we to each other now?

I know that it could also simply be my brain jumping to action to protect me/numb me. The scale of the harm is so enormous, the onslaught of terrifying data and predictions so consistent and seemingly unending, I am spiritually tired. I am sad and grieving so much on so many different levels, I'm sure my coping mechanisms are strong right now. And I know if anything were to happen to any of them, I'd be devastated. I wish I could tell them what is in my heart and beg them to come back to me, but I have tried iterations of that over the past year, and each attempt was brushed off with gaslighting and smiles that don't quite reach their eyes. Yes, we have all lost a chunk of humanity.