I like reading philosophy because people say things like "you are tormented out of passion for what matters to you" and then it sticks with me forever. That's a line from a paper on grief as an ongoing, vocational, and dedicational activity by Line Ryberg Ingerslev.*

Ingerslev uses this term "vocational" to describe the experience of "being called into question." And they are using it to think about grief as more than a narrative process during which we think and reason our way through things, albeit often painfully, "giving grief a voice."

The idea that one "gives grief a voice" can feel a little presumptuous, if one takes into account the extent to which profound loss can undermine one's sense of self altogether. Who is this "me," that has it together enough to be "giving grief a voice," that you speak of?

(And, there are benefits to thinking about the narrative aspects of grief, for instance narrating and making meaning are one way we can access agency in such a disorienting & disruptive time.)

The line about being tormented is in the context of Jonathan Lear’s idea of “existential irony,” in which one is brought to a halt, “deeply affected and passionately involved, but...cannot go on because you have no idea how to.”In such a position, one cannot take a step back or gain some safe distance:

“The struggle is experienced in the way that you are exposed; you are being summoned, questioned and plagued…the vocational experience does not leave you indifferent, neither does it consist primarily on you stepping back to reflect on your past; you are tormented out of passion for what matters to you.”

I wrote more on this, insomnia, grief & narrative in the newsletter this week. & Shout out to the Aquarian Tarot which is just so beautiful and is it just me or are the shapes behind the person (who appears to be suffering from insomnia) grave stones?