List updated!

You will write me a letter that states that I:

1) Raised you single-handedly

2) That you are not a Nepo baby

3) That I had a two-decade, award-winning career at the University of Florida

4) That you have health insurance and I do not

5) That I was unhoused so that I could afford two rents for my college student sons

6) That I breastfed you by lugging a fucking pump to work and pumping three times per day to give you and your brother the very best for the first year of life

7) That I was harassed and stalked for years following my divorce

8) That he spent six months in jail during COVID for smashing his phone into his third wife’s face (I was the second wife)

9) That I paid for all clothing, phones, sneakers and expensive 2-week vacations every summer

10) That I purchased vehicles for both you and your brother with no help from your father

11) That I paid expensive fraternity fees for both of you so that you could build your networks

12) That I pay for all doctor and dental visits and gym memberships

13) That you were gifted $1K into a Roth IRA at HS graduation

14) That I paid two rents last summer for your prestigious internship

15) That you will be graduating with only a little over $20K in debt which was what I graduated with in 1999 after completing my Master’s degree!

16) I got you and your brother a dog you’re not that into. I just wish she had softened you more.

17) Raised you off of social media until 2023 when I launched a personal family legacy project

IF YOU DO NOT DEFEND YOUR MOTHER AGAINST TERRORISTIC NAZIS, THEN WE CAN BE ESTRANGED AND I WILL CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD.