M = t / r × C

Today I bought skincare, socks, gloves.

I walked 70 metres up the road in the dark on my own and back.

I went out four times, including taking the rubbish out.

I bathed and washed my hair.

I got dressed.

The carers came.

The Home Treatment Team came for the last time before handing me back to CMHT.

I cooked breakfast, lunch and supper.

I redesigned my website.

I posted elsewhere.

I ate a lot of chocolate.

I did not cry. I did not feel as sad as I expected to.

Even though Christmas Day and Boxing Day were spent almost entirely alone, knowing my immediate family were together.

For a time I felt excluded, anchorless, frightened and lonely.

One of the carers wrote this on the back of an envelope:

M = t / r × C

Motivation is the balance of task divided by reward, multiplied by confidence.

If the task is huge and the reward is small, motivation collapses.

Confidence follows it down.

This explains why starting anything can feel impossible after long, repeated trauma. Or after too much arrives all at once.

I bought the skincare, the socks, the gloves.

I ate the chocolate.

Not as indulgence.

As balance.