I'm not doing anything today. I'm not writing, I'm not editing, I'm not drawing.

I'm sitting in a chair downstairs, half watching movies, and half farting around on my phone. Sometimes I'll pick up a comic and flip through a few pages, but I'm not even really reading. I'm just…existing.

Frankly, this is kind of weird for me.

Just existing is something I'm not good at. I've done comic strips about this in the past, for sure, but I'm not even going to look those up and put them in here as some kind of cute visual example. I'm not even typing this. I'm doing voice to text on the toilet because the thought occurred to me to make this post.

I got a lot of work done this weekend. Freelance work for projects that have not yet been announced but I'm working on as an artist for other writers. It's fun stuff, and I'm enjoying the projects.

As of yesterday, my Kickstarter funded, which is allowed my sphincter to unclench ever so slightly for the first time in about 2 weeks. Yay, me.

As such, today, I am in a complete down cycle. Just… existing. And obviously I'm bad at that, because I'm writing a FARKING BLOG POST about it. Lol

Part of my big problem, is that I define myself and my personality by my creative output. I have trained myself over a lifetime, for good or bad, to equate my sense of self-worth with my creative projects. Okay, that's really just bad. I know this, and I thought about it excessively, but that hasn't stopped me from falling into that trap every single day.

I have to produce, and if I don't produce, I don't matter. And if I do produce, then what I produce isn't loved, I don't matter. I need to matter, and I have to constantly convince myself that existing is enough, but everything about my personality and how it's developed over my lifetime tells me that isn't enough. It all tells me I have to earn happiness through output. This is deeply unhealthy, and I'm aware of that. And when I'm not outputting something creatively, unless I'm out in the world distracting myself with something, my brain starts eating itself.

Today, it's just too darn cold and we're too darn BROKE to go someplace to distract myself, hence we're staying in and watching TV. And every 20 minutes or so, I stop and think “I should be DOING!”

I should draw comic, ink a page, or write something. I should PRODUCE all caps.

But I think it's important that I'm not. And I think it's important that I don't let myself fall into the trap of punishing myself for not to producing for one day.

I don't know… just something I felt like expressing.

I suck at down time. Lol