Delighted to have been offered the Professorship of Critical Neurodivergent Studies at Oxbridge University.

It's been quite a journey getting here. My PhD dissertation defence was challenging, I'm not going to lie. I did it via Zoom while running from Everest Base Camp to the summit in under two hours, stopping off along the way to set up a school for underprivileged girls and decolonise the periodic table. One of the panellists said her screen showed me sitting in a Starbucks, but I muttered something about "lived experience" and she didn't press the point.

Another panellist inquired why half my thesis appeared to be copied from Wikipedia. I was expecting this, although it still made me furious. I explained that accusing a neurodivergent member of the queer community of plagiarism was an act of epistemic violence. I added that I was dyslexic, had been mute until the age of 26 and remain unable to deal with follow-up questions without my emotional support panda, which couldn't attend for obvious reasons. She apologised and has since been placed on leave.

I identify as Native American and asked for the second half of the viva to be conducted in Cherokee – a language I would be fluent in if colonialism hadn't robbed me of the opportunity to learn it. I started off with a traditional war whoop, but this brought proceedings to a sudden end, as they felt culturally unqualified to respond.

I look forward to bringing my unique perspective to this most esteemed of universities once I have finished suing it for deadnaming me in the offer letter.