5 fucking times now.

Every single time the geriatric grift machine is about to drop a market-moving Iran announcement, someone parks 800 million to a billion dollars on the short side of crude oil. Not hours before. Minutes.

March 23: 500 million in shorts, 15 minutes before Trump delays Iran strikes.

April 7: 950 million, hours before the ceasefire.

April 17: 760 million, 20 minutes before Hormuz reopens.

Late April: 430 million more before the ceasefire extension.

Today, 3:40am New York time: 920 million in fresh shorts. 70 minutes later, Axios drops a "14-point peace deal" story. Oil craters 12%. Whoever placed that trade pocketed roughly 125 million before most of America had finished its first coffee.

Then Iran fires up the Persian Gulf Strait Authority, oil rips 8% back the other way, and anyone who covered the short before that bounce made a second fortune on the way up.

If some 26-year-old at a hedge fund did this on a corporate earnings call, he'd be in federal lockup by Friday with his life ruined. Because it's wrapped in a flag and run out of Mar-a-Lardo, the SEC is "looking into it" while the boys on CL futures shop for second yachts.

This is what selling national security secrets looks like in 2026. It doesn't go through a Russian dead drop. It goes through a Bloomberg terminal at 3:40 in the morning.

5 times. No prizes for guessing the 6th.