Duuuuuuu-uuuuu-ude

The whole my lord why have you forsaken me? (Or in the original Aramaic, Duuuuuuu-uuuuu-ude) thing: wasn’t he in on it?

To review, this god guy creates an entire universe for two people, including a perfect paradise, you could call it a Garden of Eden (cleverly named after I Dream of Jeannie) for them to live in with only one proviso: you can enjoy anything here except for the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Now at this point one would expect even Bronze Age minds to say, “Wait, what?” but then I would expect fundamentalists to react that way and am doomed forever to disappointment.

In a surprise to no one, Adam XY and Eve XX decide to try the fruit of the improbably pretentiously named tree since the Internet hadn’t been invented yet and then notice that they’re naked and that Adam has a honey do list a mile long

Speaking of being forever doomed, God decided to send all humanity to h-e-double-toothpicks for one shoplifting violation, which seems a little excessive but then there’s that whole mysterious ways thing that covers everything.

Millennia roll by as millennia do and things were probably a little slow in Heaven with archangels lying around all over with nothing to do, his son Jesus inexplicably looking like Kenny Loggins taking carpentry courses online for some reason, the Holy Spirit bummed that he had to wait 2000 years for Led Zep to rip off Stairway To Heaven from him and assorted extraterrestrials champing at the bit to plop down pyramids and Stonehenge and get the fuck out of this backwater.

Big G finally decided that he may have been hasty and to the tune of Foreigner’s I’ve Been Waiting For A Girl Like You, discovered a girl born without the taint of original sin, which means that her hoo-haw was right next to her—never mind. Her name was probably Voshdishkalunkalunk but we call her Mary since the Virgin Voshdishkalunkalunk didn’t read as gracefully. The plan then was for Guitar Hero to knock up Voshalunk with little baby Kenny Loggins who would then sacrifice himself for all man- and presumably womankind.

Here is where we run into a problem depending whether you are a gullible Trinitarian or a credulous Unitarian. If the former, these are three guys, together making up God, and then there’s a question whether Kenny Jesus Loggins was in on the plan and 33 years later is dying on the cross saying, “Dad? What the fuck, man?!” If the latter, God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all just one guy and Peter Grant beat up the wrong deity to get the rights to Stairway. Also, Jesus was quite definitely in on it. (Going down to Earth to sacrifice himself to wash away all sins, not Stairway to Heaven, although the two are clearly related).

So the question comes down to whether you are a Trinitarian or Unitarian. (Rotarians are not clear on this matter, but bewilderingly in spite of their wealth and power, they always pick hella crappy places to go to lunch. Service clubs also work in mysterious ways.) Was Kenny Loggins in on flying into the danger zone or was it all a surprise? Ask your pastor. She’d love to tell you the story.