Ah, the First Amendment. Remember that? Our Founding Fathers—no, not Donnie’s spray-tanned, vagineck ancestors but actual Enlightenment badasses—knew the value of running one’s mouth against bungling tyrants. Jefferson thundered, “Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost”. Franklin, who never tweeted about his fat ankles, crowned free speech “the principal pillar of a free government… When this support is taken away, the constitution of a free society is dissolved, and tyranny is erected on its ruins”. And Madison, sliding in with those bulging colonial cojones, wrote, “The people shall not be deprived or abridged of their right to speak, to write, or to publish their sentiments; and the freedom of the press, as one of the great bulwarks of liberty, shall be inviolable”.

Fast forward to the Trump Republican regime—where “free speech” is worth about as much as one of Trump’s golf trophies: loud, tacky, hollow, probably carrying a faint whiff of bronzer. Let’s get something out in the open: not a single Founding Father would have looked at Trump’s orange-tinged balls-up and said, “That’s the future we imagined.” Instead, we’ve got GOP Senators like Cynthia Lummis backpedaling like a bad Walmart tricycle, now claiming the First Amendment “should no longer be considered the ultimate right,” because, shocker, democracy shouldn’t tolerate dissent when it makes the snowflakes cry. Even Republican Ted Cruz (who usually licks boots faster than Trump can tweet “witch hunt”) recently called his own party’s FCC tactics “dangerous as hell”—straight out of “Goodfellas,” which is rich, as Donnie’s mafia cosplay looks like Downton Flabby playing dress-up at Mar-a-Lago.

And let’s all spare a line for the late Charlie Kirk. Republicans are milking his death like it’s the last nipple on the Fox News cash-cow, hysterically weaponizing his memory to crush dissent, cancel critics, and shut down anyone who doesn’t worship the Orange One with unsightly devotion. Hypocritical to the core: when Kirk was alive, he chirped that “hate speech doesn’t exist legally in America,” but the corpse is barely cold and suddenly his views get a MAGA rewrite. Hell, if Kirk had seen his face on Trump’s campaign memes, even he’d have been appalled. It’s convenient—almost serendipitous—that the party can exploit his death to launch an all-out “witch hunt” against comedians (looking at you, Kimmel), political enemies, and anyone who thinks “free speech” means something besides retweeting Trump’s birther memes.

Let’s toss CBS, ABC, Disney, Sinclair, and Nexstar into the sassy mix. Every network tripping over itself, terrified the power of the purse will yank their FCC licenses faster than Trump trips on Air Force One’s stairs. Scared shitless. Because in Trump’s Ameri-carnage, punishing free speech is a point of pride, not a warning from history. The coat of the First Amendment now fits about as well as Trump’s red tie—sagging, oversized, and hiding a thousand tiny hands.

So let them choke on their Downton Flabby hypocrisy. The Founding Fathers had the real stones. Trump and his GOP goons? Flaccid-fat-ankled, orange-hued peddlers of fascist nonsense. The truth hurts—like watching Donald’s rating nose-dive after another Kimmel roast. Free speech is meant to protect us from chumps exactly like these.

Print it, televise it, tattoo it on your Dowager Duchess ass—because even Kirk, in whatever bunker the Republicans imagine, would be rolling his eyes at this rigged circus.