Pain is part of being human. It comes uninvited, we don’t know how long exactly will linger.

It often changes the way we see things, but what we do with it, that part is less conscious than we think.

It’s easy to notice how other people’s negativity affects us, but we rarely stop to ask when we’ve done the same.

There’s a quiet double standard there, that needs a lot of introspection from us in order to notice it. We tend to judge other’s actions by their character, and our own actions by our reasons. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you think they’re arrogant and reckless. But if you cut someone off, you explain it: ‘I was late.’ The thing is that closing that double standard gap takes a kind of honesty that isn’t always comfortable.

Pain may explain why we react, but it doesn’t excuse hurting others. Suffering is never a free pass to be careless. Not everyone has to hold what we’re going through. And not everyone should have to. There are moments where stepping back is the more responsible choice.

Taking space. Processing in private. Releasing what needs to be felt without directing it outward towards those who are already going through a lot in their lives.

Don’t get me wrong here, this isn’t about suppression, nor avoidance. Just containment, or as I like to call it “contained detonation”. Not every emotion needs an audience. We’re not the center of every room we enter, or the center of the world, for that matter. And other people are not extensions of our internal state.

Surely, it is healthy to talk with someone trusted and dear about difficult situations we’re going through, however, there’s a difference between that and spread what’s heavy inside us as a way to shift the blame outwards, or make other’s guilty about our mistakes or pains. Even if it would feel easier. Even if it feels justified (it often isn’t).

There is maturity in accepting that, so, oftentimes, the work isn’t just feeling deeply, it’s making sure that the darkness we carry doesn’t quietly become the darkness we spread.

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