TrumpAnnounces VP Is In PakistanNegotiating With Iran, Which Is News To Pakistan, Iran, And The VP

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Monday morning, President Donald Trump confidently informed the New York Post that Vice President JD Vance was already en route to Pakistan to negotiate with Iran, a country that is famously not in Pakistan.

“They’re heading over now,” Trump was quoted as saying. “They’ll be there tonight, Islamabad time.”

Minor problem: None of that was happening in this universe.

Within hours, people familiar with Vance’s schedule told CNN’s Alayna Treene that the vice president was, in fact, still in Washington and wasn’t expected to leave until Tuesday, with talks scheduled to begin Wednesday. Adding to the confusion, Vance’s motorcade was spotted entering the White House, which several experts identified as “not Pakistan.”

Asked about the discrepancy, one White House aide sighed audibly for seven seconds before responding, “The president was merely indicating the spirit of the vice president was already in Pakistan. Physically he’s in D.C., temporally he’s in tomorrow, and politically he’s in 1953.”

‘He’s Already There, If You Think About It Wrong’

Pressed by reporters on how Vance could be physically in Washington while simultaneously “heading over now” and also “there tonight,” Trump elaborated:

“Look, JD’s a very mobile guy. He moves fast. Fastest vice president in history, people are saying it. And Islamabad time? Time zones are very tricky. Very unfair to presidents. I said he’s there tonight, Islamabad time — maybe I meant Wednesday night. Maybe I meant last night. The fake news never gives me credit for being early.”

White House officials later clarified that Trump had been referring to “Islamabad Imaginary Time,” a newly discovered temporal dimension in which all Trump predictions are considered accurate.

“If you account for quantum fluctuations, gravitational lensing, and the president’s impulses,” explained one administration physicist, “the vice president is simultaneously in Washington, on the tarmac, above the Atlantic, and at a buffet in Islamabad. This is called the ‘JD Vance Uncertainty Principle.’”

Iranian officials were similarly baffled.

“If the Americans wish to talk, we are prepared,” said one diplomat. “However, standard practice is to hold negotiations in the country you’re negotiating with, or at least on the same landmass. We checked all our buildings, and none of them are in Pakistan.”

The White House defended the plan as “innovative geographic diplomacy.”

“These aren’t lies in the traditional sense,” explained one Trump campaign surrogate on cable news. “They’re more like… executive-level approximations of truth. Aspirational facts. You can’t judge the president by mere reality; he’s working at a much higher resolution of wrongness.”

“He’s a disruptor,” said a senior official. “Previous presidents wasted time learning where countries are and who’s currently in them. This president skips all that and jumps straight to the part where he announces things have already happened.”