Showering another person, other than your child, is not a universal experience. In June, my mother with dementia fell and caused an irreparable tear between her rotator cuff and her arm. Here you can see her keeping the shoulder up. She cannot remember that she is unable to lift her right arm above waist height. A game changer.🥹

Time to take action. Dementia delusions mean she believes she showers every day. This was not an easy mission. Is it dignified to stop bathing? Not an option. So here’s how it happens.

• I offer to color her hair. She refuses to go to a salon. She accepts.👍

• My father with dementia is brought into the process.

• We agree that I will enter the shower, (with clothes on, btw), and get the water to the right temperature with a hand held shower head.

• Dad helps her undress and walks her carefully to the shower entrance. In NJ, she stands, holding on to the wall. In Florida, she has a chair from my father’s knee replacement surgery a few years back.

• Once settled, the discussion of the water temperature ensues. “Too hot!”

• Slowly, calmly, I talk her through the process. Bottom up. She has the use of her left arm, so I pour liquid soap into her hand, directing her to “soap up your privates and armpits.”

• Her head and face are last. Extra rinsing and extra shampoo in use.

• One last warm rinse.

• Dad brings two towels. One for the top of her body. One for her waist. Modesty.

• Once gently dried, I tell her I am going to help her out of the shower. This is a little tense. She is afraid of falling. I am strong. Dad opens the shower door. I lift her up and gently carry her to a waiting chair. I cannot even explain how this happens. I take a deep breath and look up, silently praying for the strength and the ability to get her there safely. It works. Every time.

I am taking the time to explain this process for several reasons. Primarily, I have encountered people who find this to be a crazy idea. “You shouldn’t be doing this!” And the ever popular “She should be in a home!” People explain that “it is too much!”

A year ago, I decided to share my journey with my parents’ dementia. I am trying to allow them to be free. They live in their cherished homes. Cindy and I provide them with what they need. I go down to Florida every month for a few days to repeat this process.

When it’s all done, my father looks at her and marvels at how beautiful she looks. His cherished wife of 66 years. His lovely, blonde ballerina. They hold hands. Love. It’s worth it. 💜