Sitting…. Pondering

Showing up and creating conversation. Networking

Checked the bank account… yeah below the surface

Like my life—unresolved and depleted, but have faith and believe in the process

People can’t save you, only you can by doing-by being in motion. Yes motion doesn’t cost just energy…; it costs money too.

Here I am

I’m sitting listening to the Wild at Heart podcast below typing this without A and I to a world so amassed with choosing what to do and what to say, what to read, when to do and let’s throw in what we’re not doing cause we’re bored decision making because there’s a thing called discomfort over certainty or finding comfort over uncertainty that causes us not do something in any given moment.

How can I be when I’m not ______________________?

What do we do when our account goes negative and how does it control our sealed fate by what we have or don’t have?

Maybe imitate what I may expect, what’s the reversal when my truth is I’m not truly showing up by submitting a digital personification of my past skills that mirror the masses.

What does the importance of me driving artists and bands for the last 7 years and the nearly 10 plus years contractually selling merchandise for shows and being a production runner for concerts along with ticket sales equivocate anything of utmost interest in anyone hiring a being that resonates with a business. Yes I struggle with vanity, confidence and position (placement) because I fear plurality and plasticity seeing the mundaneness in the asymmetry of life, and I have a hard time bringing myself into a relationship with conformity.

Hodgepodge of complex disillusioned ideas and feelings which not push forward to create a joyous end-gain. I bring on my own hurt, my own demise, my own fear and suppressed isolation, where I come home knowing the last trip I took to church takes me oh soooo closer to “E” on the guage… I see the dumbness in my execution. I understand and agree with the elders from church telling me they see in me the unwillingness “to be or looks like you’re not ready…” These words hit and stir the pot that’s constantly boiling.

The question is when…. When will I end the cycle, what will break me…. My prayer is that God will heal my brokenness he will purify and cleanse my heart. I pray he teaches me the bank account doesn’t define my character and my abilities. I pray that he rescues and uses me for His glory and His plight.

I surrender to who He wants me to be and where He wants me to be. It’s a hard statement to say, “to let Go, and let GoD…” knowing full well that God still expects us to show up in the relationship.

I guess at the end of the day, there’s a reckoning… and I reckon I need to believe in what exists within my means and my abilities. And how I can take a counterintuitive negative bank account, along with my eyes leaning against a desolate mirror knowing that I’m not submitting to serving a solution to aid someone or something that needs me because I’m too busy hiding and running away from the real problem which is fear and uncomfort. Shaming and blaming leaving constraint mixed with pity and an irresponsible human being that can talk the talk, and better at stopping there….

When will I show up and 🛑 pretending.