Today I forced myself to realize, that I had let my guard down and allowed the fascists inside my own head.

Over the course of a 4 day period I went from “fine” to speeding down the highway at 85 mph in a rainstorm after having a very emotional breakdown in front of your entire family, wondering if you are on the verge of something terrible.

What started it was the threat of the work camps. I have a mood disorder and I need the generic form of Abilify to keep my emotions stable, otherwise I tend to get into spirals of despair after minor arguments. I have been on this medication since 2017 and it has worked very well for me. Problems not entirely solved but I can function better and my emotions are not such a rollercoaster ride for my family.

I stopped making appointments. I did not want them to find me this way. I worked out the logic that if I didn’t make an appointment now I would slip through the cracks.

Once things started getting a lot more crazy in the news the more and more I started to think of ways to evade capture and imprisonment by the offense of having a slightly different brain chemistry. I’d watch even crazier videos on TikTok of injustice, threats of injustice or just plain violence.

Then once my meds could not be refilled I started to ration my pills from one a day to every other day. Then as the pills got fewer the days stretched until I had one pill left. That was a month ago and I still have that pill.

By now they already have an ungodly amount of data on each and every one of us, using AI to weaponize this data against us. I just hoped that maybe, maybe, I would be invisible. I could protect my family. So I thought.

I could not protect them, from me.

It started as a simple request from my daughter to not go on and on about her to my own mother, I was proud of my kid.

But being 15 and just not wanting to be the focus of attention and I couldn’t see that, I took it as she was mad at me, looking back now I think had I been on my med, that would have been a simple ok kid I gotcha let’s change subjects. Later that day, watching a TikTok video that related to this subject my mother and I were discussing about so I got very emotional from this video, had I taken my medication I probably would have gotten emotional but kept it in check and after it was done, hit like and scroll up for the next video. Nope, this one triggered me and I tried to connect with my child and I call her over, she does not react the way I thought she would and dismissed it, didn’t want to see it and walked away. Had I been on my medication I most definitely wouldn’t have had such a drastic reaction. I felt hurt but it hurt more than I expected and in that response I got angry. I stormed out, went to my room and pretty much stayed there the rest of the weekend.

Had I been taking my medication I would’ve gotten out of bed at some point in the next 16 hours but instead I was stuck inside my head over and over running around in circles about this.

Then the next day, I exploded like a bomb. I screamed so much. I will never forget that moment when I saw my daughter’s eyes and what I saw in her eyes as she looked at me, even in all the chaos and the darkness and fear I was doing, it was that moment in her eyes I started to realize that - I needed help but it already gone too far by this point.

Then my wife found my one pill and begun questioning me when I ran out, when was the last time I made an appointment. I was honest and told her. I still didn’t tell her why.

She did not sleep next to me that night, the next day I had left extremely early for work because I just couldn’t be home.

I made an appointment with a general practitioner, so I could get a referral because of the fact that it had been too long since my last one and it was their policy. Regardless I made the appointment because if I didn’t then my life was going to ruined by my own hands.

After work I went home and pretty much went to bed in silence wondering just how the hell did it go from fairly ok to as bad as it could possibly get in the span of 3 days.

Had I been making my appointments I don’t think any of this would’ve happened.

I let the fascists in my head, with fear as the weapon.