How to Tell If You Are Running a Money Laundering Operation

1. Despite your many bankruptcies, shady foreign investors with ties to the Russian mob happily bankroll your projects.

2. Your investment portfolio consists largely of: golf courses, a dying business so terrible Nike took a huge write-off to get out; crypto, the favorite currency of money launderers and other criminals.

3. Your golf courses report huge losses year after year, but you keep buying more of them.

4. When asked about your customers, you brag to a real estate publication that “The Russian market is attracted to me.”

5. Asked who bankrolls your projects without banks, your son in 2008 blurts out “Russians make up a pretty disproportionate cross-section of a lot of our assets… We see a lot of money pouring in from Russia.” In 2014, your other son says “We don’t rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia.”

6. You buy a rundown estate in Florida for $41 million in 2004 and, without improvements, you sell it to a Russian oligarch for $95 million four years later, during the market crash. A transaction that strongly suggests… money laundering.

7. You sell hideous, overpriced apartments — to foreigners. In fact, from 2003 to 2017, people from the former USSR make 86 all-cash purchases of your properties, totaling $109 million — a red flag for… money laundering.

8. You license your name to developers in money laundering capitals like Panama and they get caught… money laundering.

9. The one major bank that did business with you at the time paid $630 million in fines for… money laundering.

10. Your casino goes bankrupt within 18 months of opening, despite Russian high rollers. In that same window you rack up 106 counts for failing to report big cash transactions. Two decades and one more bankruptcy later, with your name still on the marquee, the casino gets hit with a $10 million fine — the largest ever imposed on a casino for… money laundering.

11. You help found a buggy, third rate social media platform. Although it loses $327 million in a single quarter on revenue of less than $1 million, it still boasts a multi billion dollar market cap. Suggesting it’s less of a social network and more of a vehicle for… money laundering.

12. After you’re re-elected in 2024, your family builds a multi-billion-dollar crypto business. And it has drawn sustained scrutiny from Congress, watchdog groups, and financial regulators for possible… money laundering.

13. By mid-2026, estimates put your family’s crypto earnings at more than $2 billion, with crypto assets reportedly making up a majority of your personal net worth. A watchdog report alleged you sold tokens to entities linked to North Korea, Iran, and other platforms sanctioned for… money laundering.

14. Capital One closed over 300 of your company’s bank accounts in 2021. You and your son sue, calling it political. The bank hits back in court last month, stating plainly that the closures had nothing to do with politics but followed “months of analysis and a careful review” by its team in charge of preventing… money laundering.

If only there was a discernible pattern of behavior…