How is it that I am sitting on my bathroom floor, alone, snot dripping out of my nose, wailing.. on Christmas fucking day. Just when I think I’m starting to get a handle on my pain another mountainous wave hits me from behind. They say that god is preparing me for something so much greater. There are spaces in time that I believe that but not now. Not here. This is red hot, heart pounding anguish that is so fucking unrelenting. How is it that a mere moment ago I was blissfully unaware; life chugging along with me thinking life was pretty damn good. Oh the sweet innocence of unawareness. This is my calling.

This is my gift.

This is my invitation.

But/AND this is not the time to think of what silver lining lies in wait. Now I cry, scream, wail and hold myself. I love you, I am listening.