The Notes are being curated. The outlines are being drafted. A new Scott-Mariah collaboration is emerging as we start drafts for The DBT Skills Workbook for ADHD Couple.

If you’re an ADHD adult in a marriage or committed relationship with another ADHD adult, you are likely experiencing one or more of the common struggles which stem from a kind of amplified executive dysfunction, where the symptoms of each individual can feed into or worsen the other's challenges. Or, when “Your ADHD Meets My ADHD.”

As an ADHD couple (both of us are ADHD adults) who also provide DBT-informed therapy for ADHD adults, we’re very familiar with these struggles for dual-ADHD couples. See if any of these are familiar to you.

Communication and Conflict

• Mutual Distractibility: Both partners may struggle to stay focused during serious conversations, leading to "zoning out," missed cues, or leaving discussions unfinished.

• Emotional Vulnerability: With both of you having heightened emotional sensitivity and perhaps poor emotion regulation skills, small disagreements can escalate rather rapidly into intense arguments.

• Rejection Sensitivity: Both of you may experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), increasing your sensitivity to actual or perceived criticism, and influence your interpretations of even neutral comments as critical or overly harsh. In turn this may lead to defensiveness and co-escalation which blocks effective communication and loving connection.

• Blurting Out: A tendency to speak without thinking can result in hurtful remarks or constant interruptions, leading to cascading patterns of mutual invalidation. All of this underscores the urgency of learning to tolerate distress and regulate emotions during interpersonal engagement and dialogue.

Daily Home Life

• Domestic Chaos: Shared difficulties with organization, task initiation, and follow-through often result in incomplete chores and a chronically cluttered or disorganized home. Without mindfulness and a willingness and commitment to love (See our WTF couples), these elements may contribute to reciprocal blame and erode affection and fondness.

• Time Management Issues: "Time blindness" in both partners can result in chronic lateness to events, missed appointments, and forgotten deadlines.

• Financial Instability: Dual impulsivity can lead to reckless spending, while mutual forgetfulness may result in accumulated penalties from missed payments. 

Relationship Dynamics

• Parent-Child Power Struggles: Even when both partners have ADHD, one partner may naturally be more functional or skillful in certain areas and fall into a nagging parent role, while the other feels micromanaged and incompetent, experiencing being infantilized.

• Hyperfocus Paradox: Early in the relationship, mutual hyperfocus can create an intense and electric bond; however, as this naturally fades, both may feel suddenly disconnected, lonely, or bored.

• Mutual Burnout: Without a neurotypical partner to provide external structure, both may become overwhelmed by the energy required to manage themselves and the relationship, leading to chronic stress and emotional detachment.  This underscores the importance of scaffolding and fostering accountability.

Actionable Strategies for Dual-ADHD Couples

• Externalize Tasks: Use shared digital calendars (e.g., Google Calendar) to track household responsibilities and bills.

• Strengths-Based Division: Instead of a traditional 50/50 split (which isn’t feasible, in fact), assign chores based on individual strengths and interests. One partner is often better at managing the social calendar, such as sending out greeting cards, remembering birthdays, or facilitating engagement with extended family and community. At the same time, the other may be more skilled in financial logistics and in arranging domestic chores.

• Schedule "State of Us" Meetings: Establish a recurring 15-minute (or longer) weekly check-in to discuss upcoming tasks and your relationship progress. Ask, “How are we growing as a wise couple, co-cultivating a wise life rich in love, connection, and satisfaction with, to, and for (WTF) one another.

  We look forward to sharing with you how to WTF the state of our meetings. These meetings are more than logistical; they focus on friendship, keeping up with one another’s aspirations, dreams, and struggles, both within and outside the relationship.

• Implement "Pause Agreements": Agree on a signal to take a time-out during heated arguments so both can cool down and avoid emotional flooding. This will give you time to practice half-smiling, willing hands, feet kissing the earth, and our “love zombie” practice to downregulate strong emotions for fostering connection rather than conflict. Softening distress increases receptivity and mutual welcome for each partner and improves communication.

More to come! In the meantime, be Mindful out there.

~Scott and Mariah