Wednesday - Mark Normand

For some reason it was all black people. They made me put my phone in a locked pouch so I couldn't record it on audio like I did for Louis and Shane. But that's okay, because there was nothing noteworthy about Mark's set anyway. I love this guy and I've been following him for many years but his schtick does not hold up amongst the greats. He tells knock knock jokes in a funny voice so fast if you tune out for 10 seconds you'll miss three of them. He's like a comedy radio, you can lean over to tell your date "i'm going to spike your drink" hear her stupid little laugh and then turn your attention back to Normand on stage and not really have missed much of anything at all. He's not comfortable with silence. He's barely in the room. I saw him in 2022 doing a theatre in Seattle and he killed—I recorded "thank you" in my notes because Seattle is a dark sad place and the city seemed to need that then. But now here at this festival in LA watching this set at the Comedy Store from the corner of the room I feel like I'm being edged... there is no meat to any of his material. It's all just clever and that's it. There's no pain, which is where the really good shit comes from.

I loved The Comedy Store. We were in the Belly Room. My date (third consecutive different Asian girl this week (i source them from twitter)) showed up late, maybe 10:25 for a show that started at 10, so we were ushered into the very back corner, against the black wall, with this constant 90-degree side view of each performer.

The lineup had no female comedians, which was a pleasant surprise. We arrived at the tail end of Joe List's set. He was followed by Adam Carolla, who was not funny at all: "We should change the name of ICE to NICE! That would show AOC!" What? Another boomer phoning it in. 

Then came Sam Morril, Normand's other sidekick who is not named Joe List, and now that I think of it: if you fused List Morril and Normand together, you'd get one very solid stand up comedian. Morril joked about how he's "single" now, and reminisced about getting a blowjob in a telephone booth at 15 in New York City. Not bad. He's another one of these guys who can tell you all these little anecdotes and clever one liners which make you smirk and nod but you never feel it in your chest; you don't really know them in a way that lasts, follows you out the door.

The Comedy store has a two drink minimum. For each person. Women have been paying for all my shit this week and I brought Casey here last minute so I bought all four drinks for like $80. Our waiter was obviously gay. This fight broke out during Normand's set, amazingly, between these two fat Mexican guys. How the fuck do you fight at a stand up show. Normand became present in the room for 0.5 seconds to laugh it off. I took this opportunity to wrap my arm around Casey's body, as if I could protect her from the Cholos.

Mark broke free of his routine to tell two stories: 1 pertaining to his "transvestite" nanny who taught him to be a man on the mean streets of New Orleans, and 2 was about losing his virginity on December 31st 1999 to some older woman in a hotel. The punchline: "i was raped!" He sped through them, emotionless, as if thinking: nobody cares about my stories... Firstly: all the diehard fans (including myself) in that room have heard him tell these stories several times before, and secondly: these true stories are precious now, they're the only kind of jokes AI can't recreate.

*

After the show I led Casey through the comedy store looking for a bathroom where I could do some blow. I heard her conversing with a couple women who said they came as part of Chelsea Handler's entourage. Tragically my date uttered: "Women are so much funnier..." I shuddered and dapped up the inside of my nostril with a wet paper towel. These women were looking for an after party but they were seriously overweight and well past 35 and so I suggested hey Casey let's keep walking.

We tried to double dip, like you would do at a movie theater. We walked into a different room containing more stand up, with no guard to stop us. We sat in these empty leather chairs in the back. This older woman leaned into us aggressively: "WHO ARE YOU WITH ?" I tried to shoo her off. We're here for the show. "NO, LIKE WHO ARE YOU WITH?" ... Can you just shut the fuck up and let me get my money's worth. I didn't say that. She explained, loudly, THESE SEATS ARE FOR THE TALENT - I sighed and led Casey out of the room. Welp, we tried.

Went outside to try and socialize. It was an extremely solid crowd for a Wednesday in LA. A lot of blacks. Casey nervously informed me "there are like no asian girls here..." I said yeah, it's stand up comedy. This genre belongs to White and Black men. We saw one alluring/nervous tan asian girl standing alone. I said look there’s one! We approached her. I broke the ice by telling this girl: “Casey here said there are no Asian girls here, and I said look there’s one.” which made only me laugh. She was uncomfortable but played along. She said she “works in comedy” for a talent agency, or something. She asked me who else I’m seeing this week. I said Louis CK. She cringed. I forget some retards are still hung up on that propaganda from 2017. Some people still believe in “Canceled.” This girl will not make it far in comedy if she doesn’t understand how and why Louie still draws crowds and will for the rest of his life. She tried to scare my date: “HE TRAPPED AND MOLESTED A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL” … Haven’t we all. I said the fact that he’s a creep is Why he’s good. That’s the point. She didn’t understand. I asked her who she’s seeing this week and she gave me a lot of names I’ve never heard. Matt Rife, because he’s hot. No connection was made but I liked her face. I actually did make a connection with her little blonde friend, though. We didn’t exchange contact info sadly and will never meet again.

The blow was causing me to handle Casey with more authority. Casey was a 5’3 Korean in tranny-core Doc Martens. I told her to wear something sexy and she barely complied. She’s got an egg face and circle glasses and a bit of a lisp. I later learned she’s from Guam. Like grew up on Guam. Moved to the US for college, went to Berkeley, has stayed here since. She went to my show last week, with a guy, and the guy got insecure listening to me talk about how much I love Asian pussy, and it destroyed their relationship. And then she drove herself home drunk and got a fucking DUI. Which is why she couldn’t take herself here today, which is why she was late. Lol.

She said she was “asexual” and then applied lip gloss to her lips. Cocaine turns me into a horny sex monster. She would lean into my ear to talk to me, and I would do the same to her so that she could hear me, and as the night wore on I took this opportunity to kiss her on the cheek. She giggled. I said you’re not “asexual,” you’re a human animal, that shit is made up, you’re telling me you never get horny, never get aroused? Umm… she said she’s had boyfriends but they always turn out gay. Yeah most men are gay now. I said did he fuck you? Did you enjoy it? Yeah… yes… So how the fuck are you asexual? I don’t know… she said guess how old I am. I said, sincerely, 25. She was 31. I could not believe it. Asians. She was such a baby. She’s got some SF sugar daddy who has been sending her money on twitter for 12 fucking years. They’ve never met in person, he just saw her posting her mid-ass pictures of herself and decided to start sending her money and this arrangement has persisted for 12. fucking. years. I sighed, many such cases. My de-facto girlfriend, who I left at the hotel room tonight so I could go on this date with Casey, makes 1M+ on OnlyFans every year, has been doing it for several years now, is 21, and doesn’t post hole. I left her at the room because Casey finally replied and I thought it would be funny if I went to a different comedy show with a different girl every night of the week. Erica’s ass looked plump and tempting in that pink checkered lingere as I stepped out the door earlier that night but The Mission was more important. Speaking of The Mission, now it was 2 AM and the jazzy black cigar bar Casey and I have bounced to is finally closing and we’re standing outside drunkenly as I try to convince her once and for all she is not “asexual.” She said I should call an Uber… I should take you back to your hotel, you’re too drunk to drive. I said shut up bitch I drove twice as drunk yesterday and it was fine. I said cancel your uber and walk with me to my van. She’s 31 so she resisted. I held her hard as I ever did and sniffed stupidly at her hair. I was groping at her hipbones feeling ~40% of an erection standing on the sidewalk when the black Prius pulled up to take her away. I kissed her on the cheek once more because that’s what cocaine makes me want to do. She said bye and I said bye and I turned to walk away. She yelled something unintelligible out the window as she passed. She texted me 5 minutes later “i had a good time!! are u mad at me?” I just smiled. I’m just horny.

I got back to my room and Erica was still awake. I didn’t shower before climbing into the bed like I usually do. I ate some of her leftover iHop as she brushed her teeth. She said “how was it” and I said “meh, it was all right”

Overall rating: 6/10 - Meh, it was all right.

I hope Normand reads all this and tries to craft a special made up entirely of stories. Confess, Mark, Confess.