Thursday - Dave Chappelle

Holy shit what a letdown. Chappelle does not tell jokes any more. He's clearly jealous of Kanye and wants to be a rapper or something. Half the night was music - this random twitter anon sent me a $432 ticket to this show at the Paladium at "7:00 PM" ... Dave doesn't come on until at least 10 and when he does it's the weakest softest version of him I've ever seen.

Chappelle does this thing with his stand up shows where he tries to make it a “party.” He plays music and hires a DJ to Hype Up The Crowd and encourages dancing and says things like “Lets Get Lit Tonight” which would be great if this was a concert, if we paid tickets for a musical act, but we didn’t, these White People paid $500-$1k to hear YOU, Dave Chappelle, TELL JOKES. Instead he plays rap on speakers and then brings out big gingerly faggot Trevor Noah.

I was shocked. Pleasantly shocked, actually, to see Trevor Noah step out on stage. The crowd was too. Chappelle draws an open-minded group. Yeah Noah’s a corporate-owned libtard who coasts on zingers about Trump, but he’s still a comic, so let’s hear him out. I was so ready to give him a chance. We all were, I felt. He opened with a joke about a bomb and then he bombed. He delivered a horribly flat line on how kuh-raaazy Trump is; how he just said a few hours ago he’s gonna drop bacon on Saudi Arabia! Sike— he didn’t say that; but you’d believe it right? No. Firstly, people who attend Chappelle shows don’t watch the fucking News, and secondly, the people with enough money to make it to this show are not sitting with their panties in a bunch about Trump. Take that shit back to your dying YouTube clip show. He followed with some jokes about doing stand up in Uganda, where it is apparently ILLEGAL to be “Gey.” Which is a travesty, of course — he made sure to explain, but is apparently funny enough to dwell on for like 20 minutes to that shit-tepid laughter of people who have heard “isn’t wrestling gey??”-type shit about six thousand times before, who are begging you mentally to abandon all your material and just say /\/igger.

Noah, later-guest Lizzo, and the first opener all acted bewildered to even be there, as if Dave texted them a few hours ago asking if they wanted to do a quick 20 at his sold out Hollywood show Netflix advertised with millions and trillions of dollars and they all said: “uhh, okay?”

Trevor Noah’s set was a good opportunity to take a bathroom break and do some blow. The black youths to my right did the same. I came back and he was still defending gays in Uganda… nobody gave a fuck.

I couldn’t help but feel like Chappelle put him on directly after Donnel Rawlings, the only funny man of the night, to show how much he sucked in contrast.

Yes, D-list comedian Donnell Rawlings was the funniest man of the night by far. Rawlings came up second, paraded out there in a pink suit with no bullshit no introduction just got RIGHT INTO THE MATERIAL. The material was this low-brow: "WHITE PEOPLE BE LIKE THIS AND BLACK PEOPLE BE LIKE THIS" type-shit inspired by the Charlie Kirk shooting — Rawlings has obviously been doing it since last October. Hard to believe that was just 7 months ago, feels like it’s been years.

This was the line of the night:

“Donald Trump’s our President again, which I feel gives me the right to say whatever the fuck I wanna say…”

- The entire room breathed a big fat sigh of relief and then Rawlings killed, screaming, like Eddie Murphy in the 80s back when he gave a fuck, for like 15 minutes. I realized there is a huge gaping hole in this genre for somebody with fire inside, just raving maniacally with no political intent — if Sam Kinison were alive today he’d rule the stand up world. The material was not genius of course but I was laughing, the guys to my right were bending over in pain, it was the only real audience-wide release I felt for the entirety of this sold out show.

After that set I had high hopes for Chappelle, and for the rest of the show.

Then Noah came on and deflated all the energy out of the room and then… the whole thing fell apart. The forgettable opener came back and did more generic dating material that nobody could really follow because there’s a crew setting up an entire band/orchestra behind him. He ended abruptly, mid-joke, when the music people said it was time to stop. I could not believe how disorganized, unprepared this shit was. And it wasn’t in a charming, authentic way, there is so much money in this, in you people, how are you all this bad.

Then, instead of Chappelle, we saw two rappers who apparently made up an infamous group called “Blackstar.” They danced around reciting unintelligble gangster bullshit nobody could make out because the speakers at the Paladium are garbage for this kind of thing — encouraging the crowd to JUMP! JUMP! It’s a bunch of incredulous white people in their seats scratching their head looking uncomfortable because they came to hear JOKES from DAVE CHAPPELLE. So this was another bathroom break. I went for another $16 drink at the bar. I asked the middle aged Asian bartender if she was here last night. She said no, I was at the Wiltern. I asked who was the headliner? She said Uhh.. Shane something.. Oh yes Shane Gillis. I asked was it good? She said “Well actually only like 400 people showed, we had sold 1,500 tickets or something but mysteriously only 400 or so seats were filled, it was really weird.” I said Wow, feeling like a journalist.

Then, again, instead of Chappelle, we got more fucking music. … The guys to my right could not believe it either. It was “Killa Mike” and this whole orchestra of dancers and instruments. Killa Mike, like Trevor Noah, is heavily linked to modern faggot liberalism in my mind but like with TN I gave him a chance. As a musical act it was tolerable… to be honest I was mostly staring at this unbelievably thick perfect body blonde white girl bouncing and dancing in the middle of the human lineup behind him, endlessly, for at least 25 minutes.

Another intermission. It must be 10PM now. I’ve laughed once and I’m getting tired, resisting the urge to re-up on blow in the bathroom. I wrote in my physical notepad: “Comedy shows do not need to be this complicated. 1 GOOD opener does 30 minutes. 1 Headliner does an hour. That’s fucking it. Dave can’t you just get on stage and tell some jokes? You need a whole three-ring circus to introduce you, with gospel music and exotic animals and shit, what are you Prince Ali? Nobody came for any of that, we came for something fresh, from you, about today.

Chappelle is a master. Surely he’ll save the show, I thought.

I thought wrong. Chappelle steps out to a standing ovation, wearing a black sweater vest and no sleeves. He was noticeably older and softer than he appeared a few years ago in Seattle, back when he was in that getting big and lifting phase following his return from Africa. Maybe roids, now that I reflect on it. Maybe induced by that surprise homosexual experience with that tranny which caused him to investigate the Trans Issue in America on stage for like 8 years straight, getting bigger and stronger and becoming effectively the comedian-mayor of some quaint bumfuck town in Western Ohio. It took him that long to come out and say "LOOK: I’M ONLY HUNG UP ON THIS SHIT CAUSE I GOT TRICKED BY ONE OF THESE FAGGOTS MYSELF!"

I gotta hand it to him, in spite of this poorly-drawn show tonight; he does at least evolve. Unfortunately what he has evolved into is less of a comic and more of a preacher. And the shit he was preaching tonight was all for the political blue team. He sucks Kanye’s dick now that Ye’s off that “nazi shit” and back in Normies' good graces. He mentioned Kanye so many times and played so much (modern) Ye I felt blue-balled that the man was not in attendance. He did more of the same; responding to the backlash to the backlash to jokes he told in 2018. Dave you don’t have to defend yourself here. We don’t even care that you were in the “Diddy Files…” we just want jokes.

He alludes to an impending civl war, separating modern America into two catastrophic extremes— Racist Hick MAGA country (“which is not a good look, in my opinion”) and “Faggotland.” And the entire thesis of his set, the entire night really, rests upon this line:

“If you keep pushing me I’m gonna pick a side… and i cant belive i’m gonna say this.. but i’m probably gonna fight for Faggotland.”

Some claps and cheers from lifelong residents of Faggotland. Tall young white guy alone in a camo trucker hat sighs. Carlin rolls in his grave… you don’t have to pick a side Dave. That’s not what comedy is for.

Here’s what comedy is for: making me and the random uncomfortable Orange County black kid to my right who has never been to a stand up show before lose our shit laughing together so hard we have to look to the side to make sure somebody else is feeling it too. I have that experience at raves sometimes when the music gets especially good. I felt it at Louis CK on Tuesday, that you-are-not-alone feeling amongst total strangers. That is what we pay for, not the hero worship, not the YASSS GIRL clapter, and ESPECIALLY.. CRUCIALLY.. NOT LIZZO.

YES, LIZZO! All right now that I’ve told stories with these smug obvious punchlines and registered as a Voter for the Democratic Party and made sure to restate my thesis for the 500th time that raggin’ on trans people was not really about homophobia, it was actually more of a Fuck You to the Whites - - - now, GIVE A VERY WARM WELCOME TO MY FAT ASS FRIEND LIZZO!!!

WHY MEN GREAT TILL THEY GOTTA BE GREAT? DON’T TEXT ME SAY IT STRAIGHT TO MY FACE! BEST FRIEND SAT ME DOWN IN THE SALON CHAIR - SHAMPOO PRESS GET YOU OUT OF MY HAIR 

40% of the room left immediately. Including the two young black guys to my right, without a word. I just sat there incredulous with my chin in my hands, elbows on my knees like it was half time.

(continued in comments)