It is so crushing when you know you are trying your best but things are still really, really hard. And we - ourselves or well-meaning others - can push for ‘reasons’ when what matters, at the end of it all, is that this is how things are right now and is there anything that can ease the experience? Even if that is only accepting that just getting through in whatever ways that you can is plenty good enough. I’m largely a stranger on the internet so take this as you will, but from here it looks like you are an incredible mother. Hang on in there.