The way refugees are treated here is so shameful, it hurts to read about it. Many of the things you lack are treated as basic rights by Dutch citizens and if they lacked access to it - electricity, health care - they would rightly be upset and be able to take legal or political action. But where it comes to refugees, who are already vulnerable, insecure, often traumatized, it is apparently acceptable that they lack access to these things. And right wing politicians (and their ignorant voter base) then have the gall to act like refugees are coddled here because after wasting away in overcrowded, unsafe, and dysfunctional camps for an indefinite period of time, some of them gain access to social housing.

It pisses me off that unsubstantiated perceptions of unsafety or unfairness by citizens are prioritized over the basic needs of non-citizens. I know that you were grateful for what you were given when entering this country, and I hope that you can somewhat sustain that through the chronic pain and lack of HRT, if nothing else for your own (relative) mental well-being. But by all means you'd be right to be pissed off at the situation you're in. Not just because of the conditions at Ter Apel or the reluctance of the government to improve them, but because after suffering through all of that they may very well send you back.

Unfortunately your pragmatic fatalism is not unwarranted, I just really hope you don't get sacrificed so that maybe they start taking the systemic persecution of American trans people seriously. But then, someone else might have to serve as the sacrifice, as it seems unlikely that authorities will take their responsibility, and I do not wish this fate upon anybody. So against my own fatalism I pray for you and all your refugee friends that you will make it through your tribulations and find lasting refuge. And I pray that one day I may live in a world where the concerns of the outcasts, the dissidents, the oppressed will be taken seriously without their blood being spilled first.