Nick… you had me giggling at “sad little pudding” and fully wheezing by the time you packed your bags for a future hair transplant in Turkey.

The way you narrate your mirror routine feels like a man personally battling destiny with moisturizer and sarcasm as his only weapons.

And that mustache slander?? “Maniac-mustaches” is criminally funny — you deserved a gentler roast at least.

Honestly, the whole thing reads like someone squaring up with life before clocking in, armed with nothing but tired eyes and one perfectly rude friend.