I've written before about my journey out of the United States.

How every time I got a European writing residency, I would spend at least 2 weeks at the beginning in detox from the anxiety, stress, and noise of the US system. I couldn't do anything except cry and take long walks and sleep. Once I observed that ritual, the verbal floodgates would open, and I could work.

Eventually, I extended my residencies from one month to two or more to factor in this detox process. I couldn't afford to spend half my time on residency being unproductive (unless I purposely took the residency to wander and reflect.)

As things deteriorated in the US, this detox process took more time. I grew to dread every return because of what it did to my soul and my psyche. I never realized how much bile I lived with in that country until I left it. And I'm a privileged white woman. I cannot imagine what it's like to be a Person of Color or an immigrant or other vulnerable minority.

Yes, it's true that a person can't be happy anywhere if they aren't happy inside. But the United States crushes inner happiness. I'll spend the rest of my life bewildered and confused and outside the cultures I choose, but at least those places allow my little light of happiness to burn and thrive.