These are hard questions without any right answers. I appreciate how you're able to hold both admiration (maybe even respect?) and resentment at the same time. It's not easy, but it's a huge point of maturity and of fully embracing life as it is, complex, messy, and equal parts satisfying and unsatisfying. I would urge you to continue what you are doing—introspect honestly, reflect openly, and follow your gut. I'm proud of you, brother. 🫂