Our new cat Winston does this one better: he licks his butt for ten minutes and then tries to shove his way past my coffee to lick my face. Even worse, he’s not content just to lick my eyeballs. He rubs his mouth past mine, drooling the whole way, so you feel like you just made out with a slug. (This is now his favorite way of waking me up in the morning, especially when he decides his food is insufficiently fresh and topped up. I now dread sleeping in on weekends for that reason: 15 seconds after 7, and he starts a chainsaw purr as warning that I’d best bury my face in the pillow and hold my breath until he moves away for a moment. For a cat with four brain cells, Winston is capable of some incredibly obnoxious behavior.)