I was talking to someone the other day who was kind enough to fill me in on all the horrible, terrible, no-good news of the day, on all the reasons to cry and give up and hate mankind, and so I said, “Thank you, that was very helpful,” and she shrugged and laughed and said, "I guess I'm just a news junkie!" and that was when I took offense, you see, because junkies is a disparaging term used to refer to drug addicts, to people who are sad or broken or hurt in some foundational way which they are struggling to repair, and so they understandably, in my view, having struggled with my own demons, look to drugs to make them feel better, to ease their pain, for a few admittedly artificial moments of bliss in this sea of agonizing existence - but news doesn't provide any of that, news just makes us feel worse, news is designed to make us feel worse in the same way that drugs are designed to make us feel better, which is why junkies don’t share their drugs because the drugs make them feel good, but “news junkies” have to share their news, because misery loves company, it demands company, so do me a favor: if you’re going to impale your spirit on the news each day and make yourself miserable and tell yourself and everyone you meet all the horrible, terrible, no-good news of the day, all the reasons to cry and give up and hate mankind, I’d appreciate it if you would at  least refer to yourselves more accurately as “News Schmucks,” and leave us, and the people trying to ease their pain, the fuck out of it. Thanks.