(Permanent Musical Accompaniment To This Post)

Being our semi-regular weekly survey of what's goin' down in the several states where, as as we know, the real work of governmentin' gets done, and where to live outside the law, you must be honest.

We begin in Florida, where the policies of Legitimate Presidential Contender Ronald DeSantis claimed another victim in the libraries of the state's private schools. Florida's children will be protected against gay penguins. From Popular Information:

According to DeSantis, the scope of the bill is limited and only prohibits "sexual instruction" directed at young students. "When you actually look at the bill and it says 'no sexual instruction to kids pre-K through three,' how many parents want their kids to have transgenderism or something injected into classroom instruction?" DeSantis said. "It's basically saying for our younger students, do you really want them being taught about sex? And this is any sexual stuff."

Yeah, that's a crock.

But despite these protestations, Florida schools are using the law to justify the erasure of LGBTQ people. Public records obtained by Popular Information through the Florida Freedom to Read Project reveal that several Florida schools have already removed books with LGBTQ characters from their libraries, citing the Parental Rights in Education Act. Further, training materials produced by the Florida Department of Education for librarians reveal that the DeSantis administration is encouraging this expansive interpretation of the law[...]These books do not involve "sexual instruction." One book that was removed, And Tango Makes Three, is the true story of two male Penguins, Roy and Silo, who lived in the Central Park Zoo. The pair build a nest together, and — after the zookeeper provides them with an egg — they raise an adopted child, Tango. There is no sexual content in the book.

This is a presidential platform in the year 2023: fighting the threat of gay penguins in our schools. Juice boxes for everyone.

We engage the semi-weekly survey's split-screen function and check out Ohio and Pennsylvania simultaneously. In both states, what could have been messy, nasty exercises in Gaetz-ism in their respective state legislatures were avoided because enough members determined that it was a good week to be Not Insane.

First, from Columbus, courtesy of the Ohio Capital Journal:

Moderately conservative Republican Jason Stephens, with the help of the Democratic Party, snatched the coveted Ohio House Speaker job Tuesday from a far-right lawmaker who was already elected speaker in a non-official party vote. In the surprise upset, Stephens, R-Kitts Hill, who is allegedly pledging to stop far-right policies and act as a full moderate, is chosen as one of the most significant and influential leaders in the state.

The alternative, a doozy of a conservative Republican named Derek Merrin, won a closed-door vote of the Republicans. The prospect of Merrin's running things scared so many of his colleagues that actual conventional politics broke out.

Back in December, the GOP caucus voted for Merrin to be speaker, a surprise to his two other challengers – one of whom was Stephens. Stephens decided to fight, and he fought in collaboration with the Democrats. “They needed our votes and we took the opportunity to make sure that we were going to be working with the speaker who we felt at the end of the day would work with us on the issues we could agree on,” Democratic Minority Leader​ Allison Russo said. Minority Leader Allison Russo said her discussions with the Republican were productive and allowed her caucus to vote, all 32 of them, for Stephens.

She mentioned they spoke about getting fair district maps — but most of the conversation was on priority bills, like education issues. “The importance of our public schools and for them to be well-funded and well-resourced,” she said. The deal may also stop the “Backpack Bill,” which would allow education funding to be awarded per child rather than to school districts for distribution, which Russo seemed to confirm. She is also in favor of pro-union type bills and discussed that with Stephens, which Merrin had been outspoken against.

Pretty much the same kind of thing happened in Pennsylvania. The Democrats came out of the midterms with a one-vote majority, but then a Democratic representative died and two others took jobs from newly elected Gov. Josh Shapiro. This flipped the majority back to the Republicans, which gave them an opportunity for some sophisticated ratfcking. From the Philadelphia Inquirer:

Even so, Democratic and Republican leaders each claimed to be the rightful presiding officer. State Rep. Joanna McClinton (D., Philadelphia) was sworn in last month in a private ceremony and scheduled special elections for the three vacant offices on Feb. 7. House Republican leader Bryan Cutler sued, alleging McClinton lacked the authority to do so, and accused her of orchestrating a “paperwork insurrection.”[...]Cutler was separately sworn in as House GOP leader on Dec. 12 and, claiming the authority of the chamber’s presiding officer, soon after issued what are known as writs of election. Both parties agreed to hold the election to succeed the late Rep. Tony DeLuca (D., Allegheny) on Feb. 7. DeLuca died shortly before the election but after ballots had been finalized, then won the seat. Cutler wants the two elections for the remaining vacancies to be held in May, the same day as the next primary election. Litigation over those special elections is ongoing in Commonwealth Court.

Again, as in Ohio, conventional politics erupted and a representative named Mark Rozzi, a former Democrat who has promised to govern as an independent, won a bipartisan vote to become speaker of the Pennsylvania House. In this case, it was Republican votes for a Democrat that provided the margin for victory. Neither of these events should be used as examples to get the federal House of Representatives off the hook in the whole speaker mishigas because the national Republican party is a bulging bag of crazy that must be kept away from positions of power with a rod of iron.

We move along to Texas, where those crafty Chinese climate hoaxsters have been hard at work creating what may be a new Dust Bowl. Everything 1920 is new again. From the Columbia Climate School:

In 1878, American geologist and explorer John Wesley Powell drew an invisible line in the dirt—a long line. It was the 100th meridian west, the longitude he identified as the boundary between the humid eastern United States and the arid Western plains. Running south to north, the meridian cuts through eastern Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, the Dakotas, and the Canadian province of Manitoba on its way to the pole[...]Now, 140 years later, in two just-published papers, scientists examine how the 100th meridian has played out in history, and what the future may hold. They confirm that the divide has turned out to be real, as reflected by population and agriculture on opposite sides. They say also that the line appears to be slowly moving eastward, due to climate change, and that it will probably continue shifting in coming decades, expanding the arid climate of the western plains into what we think of as the Midwest. The implications for farming and other pursuits could be huge[...]Now, warming climate appears to be pushing the divide east. In the northern plains, rainfall has not changed much, but temperatures are going up, increasing evaporation from the soil. Further south, shifts in wind patterns are causing less rain to fall. Either way, this is pushing aridity eastward. As a result, data collected since about 1980 suggests that the statistical divide between humid and arid has now shifted closer to the 98th meridian, some 140 miles east.

This is how deserts form and grow. These studies indicate that aridity is winning the battle against vegetation, which is to say, it is winning the battle against, well, food. Texas is a good index patient for this development. From the Texas Tribune:

The food access study, coordinated by the TDA and the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley, notes that “climate instability” is strongly associated with soil loss, water quality, droughts, fires, floods and other environmental disasters[...]“From the agricultural perspective, concerns were expressed regarding droughts, drying up of [artesian] wells, water use restrictions, fire threats and dangerous conditions for farm workers,” the report says.[...]Extended dry periods devastated Texas’ agricultural production, said Victor Murphy, a climate service program manager with the National Weather Service. “We’re seeing longer periods without any precipitation, then when it does come, it’s in shorter, more intense bursts,” he said.

Nothing about the climate at this moment is not banjaxed in some way or another, and all of the various consequences are starting to feed off each other. Which demonstrates that at least the crisis will have something to eat.

And we conclude, as is our custom, in the great state of Oklahoma, whence Blog Official Bongwater Reclamation Director Friedman of the Plains brings us the story of a burgeoning sector of the Sooner State's economy. From KOCO5 in Oklahoma:

"We've talked to our law enforcement partners around the United States, especially many on the East Coast who say Oklahoma is their No. 1 spot for black market marijuana that is showing up in their states," said Mark Woodward, with the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics. State narcotics department officials said a lot of eyes are on Oklahoma as the state has become a main source for illegal marijuana trafficking. "The police officers are saying they are intercepting more black market marijuana during traffic stops and investigations than any other state coming off Oklahoma farms," Woodward said. And it's not just states in the Central Time zone.

Oklahoma is favorable for criminal organizations for several reasons – cheap land and licenses are two big ones – according to Woodward. He also said Oklahoma having some of the loosest industry regulations in the country plays a factor. "We have probably close to 2,000 farms that are under investigation for obtaining their license by fraud or moving product from that farm to the black market out of state," Woodward said.

Oklahoma, the smuggler's paradise.

This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

Headshot of Charles P. Pierce
Charles P. Pierce

Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976. He lives near Boston and has three children.