AMA with Stella O'Malley, author of 'What Your Teen is Trying to Tell You'

Stella What can I do to encourage 23 year old ,6 years on T. top surgery, to desist from 'male identity'-entire life revolves around "being Trans, being gay" but wants to present as both drag queen look and male look; very split appearance/behaviour. Prior cutting, e.d., anxiety/depression, possible Borderline personality. Helpful advice requested. Thank you!

Hi Stella, my 16 year old daughter with ADHD and on autism spectrum is presenting as male. 2 years ago she socially transitioned at school (without my knowledge)for about 6 months. Things were awful in our home during this time. We got her in therapy, changed schools and focused on family time. Things were better and she was dressing female until the start of this school year. She has a boyfriend so I don’t think she’s gay. I can’t get her to explain to me why she rejects anything feminine other than presenting male makes her happy. Her therapist thinks she’ll work it out but I’m terrified of her medicalizing once she’s 18. Need help and advice.

Hi! I need advice on a kind of taboo topic. How to love and appreciate your kid who has turned your life into endless worry and sorrow? How to overcome grief that life has turned out so differently than we hoped for? My teenager says that somwtimes she wishes she was dead, that it would have been best for everyone. She is on the spectrum, ADHD, has struggled with anxiety since she was a toddler. There's been times of depression, cutting, restrictive eating, bullying, gender confusion. Although we love our kid deeply and show it to her, and are trying to do the best we can in our situation like finding moments of joy, there are also times we wish we didn't have her. It's damaging both her and us.

Hi Stella,
What should parents of teenage boys be doing about porn? We’ve a 15yo boy. My husband models respect to women and doesn’t use porn himself, we’ve both talked to him a little bit about how porn can spoil real life sexual experiences; we support our son’s friendships/interests in real life settings, encouraging him to get out and about not purely socialise online, and we’ve parental filters on the Wi-Fi and mobile contracts - is there anything else we could be doing?
Thanks

No question - just wanted to say a HUGE thank you for your work and your podcast and Genspect. Listening to you and Sascha has been an educational in understanding some of the things I went through as a teenager ( not gender dysphoria thank god) and the effect those years have had on the person I have become.

Hi Stella, I am a big fan of your intelligence and no-nonsense approach and would love to know your opinion on this. A year or so ago my DD (then 14) told me she was trans and wanted to use male pronouns and a boy's name. She has always been gender non-conforming so this was not out of the blue. As somebody who never felt seen by my parents, I didn't feel that I could refuse to use her new name/pronouns. I feel like if somebody tells you "this is who I am", it feels quite hard to say "no, you are not, I am going to insist on sticking to my idea of who you are". Refusing to use chosen pronouns/name doesn't feel very unconditionally loving.

So s/he is now DS and things are going well - he has lots of hobbies and interests beyond being trans and our relationship is strong. I have to say I think social transition was the right thing to do - he seems much happier, more confident, and the new name seems 'right'.

I think you and Sasha talk a lot of sense on your podcast, and I do have concerns about a medical transition when DS is an adult. But again, I feel like the job of a parent is to love unconditionally, and that I am still grappling with my (well intentioned) parents' inability to offer this to me.

I know you can't offer advice on individual children, but I'd be so interested to hear your thoughts on the general issue. How can we as parents hold space for our gender non-conforming children, while still affirming our unconditional love and acceptance?

Hi Stella, firstly, thank you so much for your work. I am so glad that you are doing what you are doing.
my question is around two of my three children. My eldest went to university mid pandemic, after announcing they were gay. Then they told us they were non binary and now identify as female with change of name and pronouns. They are part of the trans community and want to take feminising hormones. Meanwhile
my youngest daughter, now aged 14, announced she feel male. Both have been a bolt out of the blue. How common is it for two in a family to identify as the opposite gender? How would you deal with the situation where one is away from home, on is at home, in terms of supporting them but not affirming them both?

Hi Stella, firstly thank you for standing up for our troubled children/teens and speaking out. Since my now 17 Yr old came out as trans almost 2 years ago, I have found it impossible to get professional help. It seems no Psychologist or Psychiatrist (we are in Ireland) wants to take these children on as patients. Immediately after coming out, he did see a Counsellor who unfortunately immediately affirmed (after 50 mins) leading me to think no advice is better than the wrong advice. However, at times, this feels like as parents we are doing nothing and left entirely powerless. Where can we turn? Should we agree to him going on the waiting list for the National Gender Service? Either way we lose any remaining control when they turn 18 in a few months.

Hi Stella, thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to ask these questions. Can I ask for your advice on dealing with an extremely moody teen please? It is becoming so difficult for everyone in the house to deal with his sulking and moodiness and it feels like we are all treading on egg shells around him. I have suggested fresh air, exercise, less screen time, etc to try to improve things but he just seems to be getting worse. I understand completely that there will be a certain level of moodiness to deal with during the teenage years but this almost constant sulking I am finding very hard. Thank you so much.

Hi Stella, love your work, it’s been informative and crucial to the entire discourse.

My question is on Body Dysmorphic Disorder. My view is that there is significant overlap between BDD, GD, and Eating Disorders. One of the key features of BDD is failure to be satisfied and always seeking more. As someone who has been quite open about hating your body as a teen, do these conditions all need a broad consideration under a BDD spectrum with targeted support for the specifics? I think the concept of self-compassion comes up a lot in helping teens and young people with BDD but don’t see it being applied to the other conditions with overlapping features. Interested in your thoughts?

I have downloaded your book on kindle and am really enjoying it - thank you. Also enjoying the podcast particularly the episodes with the inventors of the Dutch protocol and the Dutch journalists who tried to report on it.

My question is on cultural expectations for teens - I grew up in Asia and there was absolutely no tolerance for teens to be moody, grumpy, etc. even with far greater academic pressure, so I am finding it hard to get my head around raising children in the UK. Also historically people of teen ages were married, working, fighting in wars etc so the concept of expected teenager behaviour obviously didn't exist in the same way historically even with brain development and hormone surges being presumably the same.

Do you think our expectations that teens will just be moody and horrible to their parents for years and years might actually be causing some of the behaviour? And do you have any advice for me on culturally adapting to the parenting paradigms in a new country? (I guess this would also be the same for anyone who doesn't want to parent the way they were parented.)

@Xiaoxiong that’s a very interesting question as I have had 3 teens (youngest is now 16) and haven’t had terrible behavior from any of them, yes moody at times, but definitely not awful or long lasting and definitely not seriously disrespectful. We don’t put intense pressure on them either and the eldest two are currently at Uni. I think there has to be an element of cultural expectations as some cultures seem to have way more teenage problems than others.

Hi Stella, I’m looking forward to reading your book it’s currently second on my book pile. I really enjoyed bully-proof kids.
I don’t have any sensible questions. My children aren’t quite teenagers, so hopefully you’ll be back in a couple of years to help me then.
Anyway, I think you’re brilliant and I just wanted to say thanks.

Hi Stella, my 13 yr old daughter came out as trans about 2 years ago during the pandemic, and shortly after she started her period (which was early and heavy for which I believe caused some trauma for her as it lead to severe iron deficiency which she is now being treated for). However I see her showing signs of desisting… a little. She wears lots of jewelry and even bought 2 skirts recently (but hasn’t worn them yet). But I made the mistake of allowing her to socially transition when she first came out, and now she refuses to let me roll it back (she becomes furious and cries when I bring it up, even gently). I’m not sure if the name is the hill I want to die on, especially since I have a boys name myself and she wishes that she did too, but the pronouns really bother me, so much so that I find myself avoiding pronouns altogether... do you have any suggestions on how to roll back pronouns? Or should I just carry on and let this play itself out, since she’s showing signs of gender fluidity anyways? Good news is she no longer wants testosterone (I have vocalized my boundary of not agreeing to a medical transition very firmly since the beginning).

Why does my therapist never tell me to go on fabulous holidays?

Thank you so much for your response, Stella. That is really empowering. You are right, it is very difficult for us as parents to feel like experts, especially in territories such as gender non-conformity where there are such strongly-held views. I also appreciate the reminder not to live in reaction to our own childhoods - that Jung quote is so apt. Thankfully I do feel like I am doing my best to offer the other things you mention as well as unconditional love. Just want to say how much I appreciate your thoughtful and reassuring reply. We need more people like you!

These replies have been so thoughtful and interesting.