Sometimes I say, “I could write an essay on this,” but in my head, the essay is too small for me to do it. That’s silly, so here’s a mini essay on closeted teenhood and Santana Lopez singing Rumour Has It/Someone Like You on Glee:

So if you haven’t watched Glee, congratulations. I can set the scene without you having to go through hell for it. Santana Lopez was the mean lesbian bombshell of the Glee club. She was a cheerleader who was wanted by guys and girls with equal fervor, and for a while, she gave people what they expected. She was the slutty cheerleader who didn’t care what anyone thought.

Except she did care, of course, she cared. She cared enough to avoid the word lesbian like the plague, to stay in the closet to her family, to keep boys around like a shield from her own reality. When the show starts, she is mostly having sex with her beloved (Brittany) with a guy present or involved. She cared a lot more than people realized because her defense was their own assumptions.

She’s not gay; she’s slutty; the fact that Brittany is there is just proof. She’s not guarded; she’s a spicy Latina from the wrong side of the tracks.

Often, much of queer teenhood is wearing armor that’s well-provided to you. People create cover-ups for things they don’t want to see, and so you wear them. There’s a way of thinking that sees children as inherently queer. If they weren’t, why would there be so many formal and informal structures in place to enforce heterosexuality and gender conformity? Those structures become the armor.

In Santana’s case, it’s not like a predominantly white school in Ohio was gonna be her safe space. But Glee club lowkey was. Her white coach declared that they were ALL minorities, so purrr! And then the group's golden boy outted her in the middle of the school hallway. Within 24 hours, she’s being outted on local TV (long story).

Then she’s on stage singing a mash-up of Rumor Has It and Someone Like You. Her girlfriend is in the chorus, the guy who outted her is in the audience. She’s afraid of what this will mean, what life at home will be like, what life in general will be like. She can’t hide anymore and it’s the only thing she knows how to do.

Being in the closet is complicated because you are so afraid of being caught, but maybe more afraid of feeling that way forever. I was talking to a friend recently about how deeply we wanted to feel contentment while limiting ourselves. We couldn’t fathom that the limits were the issue, so we begged to feel more comfortable within our restraints.

I remember the crush I had when I was closeted. I would sulk at the thought that one day I may be walking down the street with a man I said I loved, and there she would be, a woman I wanted to love. I’d see her walking hand in hand with another woman (I hadn’t figured out my gender yet), and I’d know the life I wanted was tangibly possible, but I wouldn’t pay the cost in bravery it takes to grasp it. I had every intention of hiding until I died, I just hoped it wouldn’t be the hiding that killed me.

Santana is forced out of the closet. She’s exposed and no longer hiding, but she didn’t get to make that choice herself. She can lie, backtrack; she can hide and hope it doesn’t kill her. On the other hand, she could own it, change everything; she could risk what she has for what she might gain. But right now she’s singing.

One of the single best decisions ever made on that show was having her sing these words:

I heard that you settled down

That you found a girl

And you're married now

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things

I didn't give to you

And hearing Naya Rivera sing that song as Santana Lopez will always break my heart. I imagine that for Santana, the scariest thing she could imagine (being outted) had already happened. So the second fear sat at the helm: Maybe queer joy was possible, and she’d see it happen for others but never be able to feel it herself. The fear is life on the sidelines of happiness.

And then she sings again:

Don’t forget me, I beg

My heart breaks in a different way. So few people have seen her as her authentic self, and she doesn’t know if she’ll let more people see it again. She’s at a crossroads and some version of herself will die either way.

Please don’t forget her.