I’m going to write this here on Substack because I feel the audience here might understand it to some extent.

I have started feeling that the word “strength” is often misplaced and used in contexts where it does not need to be. I’ve been hearing many phrases like “you’re so strong” lately. People that say these sentences wish well for me, and I know it. But when I hear it, I get nauseous. It’s like being handed a costume that you don’t know what to do with. When I hear it over and over, it feels like people have an image of me - a heroic, emotionally resilient individual. But the truth is, I didn’t want to be this “strong”, I didn’t want this to happen to me. I don’t want to be an inspiration for getting through grief and loss. Because it’s not a strong and heroic journey. It is entirely the opposite. I don’t claim strength, it’s not mine - I’m surviving and getting through my days, stumbling and sleeping when I’m exhausted.

It reminds me of a piece I read about how lives of differently-abled individuals are romanticised for getting through an unaccommodating world. Their life stories are turned to edits and “never give up” social media statuses. And many differently-abled individuals do not appreciate it, and that is right.

Similarly, I will not be able to tell this story in a motivational TEDTalk. Because people will tell me I’m strong again, and that will make me nauseous. I’m getting through it, that shouldn’t be a template for others because no one should face this in the first place.