We grieve double.

It's been a hard balance this week, having a family member not allowed to grieve with us, to attend a funeral, to give needed hugs. We're all gutted and exhausted, and no, he can't join in the collective of pain.

But as much as we can't feel what he does inside, he can't know what it is like to try and hold the whole world up and stay up for him at the same time.

The phone calls from prison don't stop. His need for commisary didn't magically shut off this week. His bid for parole is still ongoing. What's required of me parenting my grown children is nearly more than I can take right now.

Endurance is not the same as healing, no. But it's all we got some days. Inside and outside.