I have that procedure that one is forced into in their mid-forties coming up, and it's dreadful, and I'm terrified, and I don't care what you say, that it's a piece of cake, that I'm a baby, because I've never had any procedure done, and I've been a wreck for days as I drown in dread. This is NOT right! Isn't being human hard enough?

And I clearly resort to awkward humor when I'm freaked out.

While scheduling the appointment, I asked if they did couples colonoscopies, like couples massages, which drew out a good laugh. Then she said, "I suppose we could."

Yesterday, the office sent a text reminder, finishing with: "We look forward to seeing you."

I texted back: "I butt, I mean, I bet you are."

Just bad dad humor, trying to distract from the horror. I hope your schadenfreude is satisfied, as you laugh at me and not with me. You're welcome.

Hope to see you on the other side.

F#$%^!!!!!!!

Addendum:

My son asks me this morning if I had ever seen the movie Constipation. I shook my head. He said, "Because it never came out." I laughed. "You realize I have my procedure tomorrow." He shrugged. "No shit, Sherlock."

(Proud daddy moment)