Allow me to offer belated congratulations to David Ellison, the new owner/overlord of CNN.

I say “belated” because I should have congratulated him in 1982. That was the year that one of the billions of sperm produced by Larry Ellison, Oracle’s co-founder and the world’s second-richest man, helped conceive the nepo embryo who, nine months later, would be christened David.

Without that propitious act of fertilization, the newest chapter in the debasement of the American media could never have been written.

After his dad gifted him parent company Paramount, this overconfident member of the Lucky Sperm Club became the proprietor of CBS News—easily the most dire pairing since RFK Jr. was entrusted with the nation’s health.

Given who their new boss was, employees in the news division of the former Tiffany Network were praying that they would receive the same brand of parental neglect long enjoyed by Tiffany Trump.

No such luck: Larry Ellison’s assclownerrific spawn was determined to give CBS News his full malign attention. His first official act was to install someone with zero reporting experience, the intolerable Bari Weiss, as chief of the operation. She hit the ground running, instituting at CBS News a zero tolerance policy for news.

Though David spent months salivating over Paramount’s mountain of intellectual property, he’s shown zero interest in a piece of IP that’s in the public domain: the First Amendment. In particular, that blather about “freedom of the press.”

In order to secure FCC approval for the Paramount deal, Ellison promised that CBS News would appoint an “ombudsman” to eliminate “bias” at the division.

What kind of “bias” would this commissar—I mean, ombudsman—seek to root out?

Maybe the kind that the Wall Street Journal displayed when it reported that Jeffrey Epstein’s BFF drew him a porny birthday card: a reckless and inexcusable preference for the truth.

With Ellison’s death-grip on CBS in full effect, the stopwatch at the beginning of “60 Minutes” now seems like the Doomsday Clock. And now he gets to swing his nepo-baby wrecking ball at CNN.

Am I being too hard on David? That’s not my intention. In fact, he has my deepest sympathy. It must be terrible being constantly mistaken for Eric Trump.