When I left our home, my husband tried to convince our loved ones that I wasn’t mentally sound. He used my postpartum intrusive thoughts to illustrate that my mind couldn’t be trusted. Therefore, I wasn’t a safe person.

That feels very ironic when I look back.

And I don’t blame him at all. He felt desperate, as he was watching his world crumble around him, initiated by his own hands.

This is less so about him, and more about intrusive thoughts.

A week after having my first son, we were visiting the doctor that delivered him. The secretary let us know there was a room for breastfeeding that had a balcony outside.

I stood on that balcony gripped by a fear so intense my spine went cold. I was suddenly aware that I could simply hold our son over the edge and let go.

It’s been almost seven years and I still can’t stay on a floor at a hotel higher than 2.

We once visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium in California, and I was pushing my eldest in the stroller on a pier and I had a vision of pushing the stroller and letting it fall over into the water, while he was strapped in and helpless.

These intrusive thoughts made me want to remove my brain. I was terrified of them. And I’ve had all of them over the years- they can range from violent to sexual.

I didn’t understand what was going on.

I made an appointment and spoke to the same doctor that delivered my son and she said “it’s not normal”.

That sent me further into a self hatred spiral.

Then I found a new paediatrician. She had been in practice for over 35 years, and was a mother herself.

Sobbing in her office, I asked her what she thought and she shared- “as long as they don’t interfere with your ability to care for your child, it’s ok”.

Better. But I still didn’t understand why.

I looked for answers until I read something that made so much sense to me.

Some people are subconsciously uncomfortable with the imbalance of power between themselves (a mature adult who can keep themselves safe) and a newborn (a completely vulnerable infant that depends on you for survival). So every possible thing that could go wrong, will flash before you.

If you really look at it, it’s your system on complete overdrive, alerting you of things that are “wrong” so you don’t do them.

And there isn’t ever a desire to do what you see, so these images just assault you at a time where you’re supposed to be bonding and falling in love with this beautiful life you created.

I found a therapist and worked very hard at it, and it took years. Years.

But I got a handle on it.

They still happen once and awhile.

But now I see them and think “oh, there’s an intrusive thought”.

And that’s it.

I don’t latch onto it.

Because if I do, that’s when the mind starts to spiral.

It takes 17 seconds to latch onto a thought before the universe starts rearranging to match that thought and serve you more just like it.

So being aware of your mind and what’s happening there, is the only way to redirect it to something more helpful.

If you have experienced these awful thoughts, and don’t feel safe enough to talk to someone, I see you. You are not alone.