Contemporary fiction writer burnt out from TikTok brand partnerships resorts to AI. Their latest work reads, “She quietly phoned her plastic surgeon who told her, It’s not a facelift. It’s a soul lift.”

Craving a sweet treat, preferably a little BEVVY because 130lbs is waaaay too fat to resist a weekly shot in your hip that liberates you from “food noise,” despite never having experienced such psychological phenomena in your life? Try the Sabrina Carpenter x Dunkin Donuts caramel mocha jizzaccino! And don’t forget to stream her new song about murdering Olivia Rodrigo, “When Did You Get Shot?” written by a San Fran-based marketing agency of evil German robot twinks called Chaotic Gut. The track will reach you either way, and by the time it finally registers to you that music is playing—somewhere around the 200th encounter—it will sound as familiar as your mother’s voice.

Of course, I made that shit up. But there are, now, charms available for your Havaianas flip-flops akin to Crocs jibbitz, in case you need an outlet for the ambient urge to spend money. I scroll by the Havaianas charms on Instagram and the combination JTN1892 starts flickering in my head. My old Pennsylvania license plate, now replaced by a New Jersey plate on my 11-year-old Buick collecting pollen in the driveway. There are all these greats I haven’t read yet, Dostoevsky and shit… and I think that’s partially because I’m distracted by random codes like JTN1892 which remind me of a time when life felt much more sensual and contained.

The peonies in my yard are so close to blooming. Everything is fine, when you think about it.