Stuck in “replay” mode.

Last night at the pool hall I caught myself thinking about Mom. She died January 26, 2024. I had the honor and privilege to be at her side, hold her hand, stroke her hair as she took her last breath.

Grief moves in waves and at unexpected moments, doesn’t it? I wasn’t competing so didn’t need to move it aside to concentrate on my shot.

The sadness began as a simple thought “I miss you, Mom”. Then I looked up her obituary (I wrote it)…and began to feel more of the empty space in my heart. This is when the memories came. And with them, no surprise, came the memories of all my failures. All the times I disappointed her. All the times I didn’t do as she asked. All the times I didn’t tell her the truth of my thoughts and feelings. All the times of drawing inward and keeping her at arms length.

I replayed those memories - and there are quite a few.

This morning they were still with me. The sadness isn’t nearly as heavy, though. Many years ago I had attempted to resolve my past failings with self-improvement techniques, prayer, and a bit of talk therapy. Now I realize that my expectation of resolution was that they would be completely removed from me.

Imagine that - thinking memories of my own actions would be eliminated.

The inner work to this point has diminished their hold on me - but they’re still with me. They should be. I lived them. And the inner work helped me see how I could tap into those past experiences for strength as I stretch my mind and spirit with new challenges and ventures.

The challenge today is to stop the "replay" and get into "action" mode so I can move past the sadness and get this new venture up and running. I want to use this “replay” of sadness as a reason to not take action. Even as I think and know it isn’t helpful to anyone.

Maybe sharing this with you will help.