Breaking News: ISIS advises followers to join ICE

WASHINGTON—In a stunning move that analysts are calling “depressingly on-brand,” the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced this week that it has encouraged followers to join U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, citing “shared values around uniforms, acronyms, and a love of opaque processes.”

The press release printed in stark black-and-white and oddly formatted like a government memo, explained that the organization was “seeking stability, benefits, and a workplace where nobody ever has to explain what they actually do.” The statement added that the move would allow ISIS to “focus on core competencies such as the strategic deployment of fear, but in a more sustainable, pension-eligible environment.”

ICE officials responded with confusion. “We receive a lot of applications,” said one spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to comment. “We’ll run the usual background checks, and then hold a press conference saying we can’t confirm or deny anything.”

According to sources, the talks began after ISIS leadership noticed that ICE had already perfected something ISIS struggled with for years: making people disappear into a system. “Frankly, the brand discipline is impressive,” said one ISIS recruiter. “No messy ideology. Just forms. Detention. Silence.”

A Cultural Fit, Experts Say

The similarities are, at least on paper, undeniable. Both organizations rely heavily on acronyms, internal jargon, and the idea that if something is hard to understand, it must be important. Both insist their actions are necessary and someone else’s fault. And both have mastered the art of saying “this is about safety” while refusing to answer follow-up questions.

In a leaked internal document, ISIS reportedly praised ICE’s ability to turn cruelty into process. “You don’t even have to look people in the eye,” the document marvelled. “You just let the system do the rest.”

Public Reaction: Confusion, Then Exhaustion

Public response has ranged from outrage to weary laughter. Social media users debated whether the announcement was real, fake, or simply the logical endpoint of a long decline in standards.

“This has to be a parody,” one commenter wrote. “But also, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Meanwhile, late-night hosts scrambled to rewrite monologues, only to give up and read the press release verbatim.

What Happens Next

Congress has scheduled a hearing, though insiders predict it will devolve into grandstanding, selective amnesia, and at least one lawmaker asking if ISIS can be deported to itself. No one expects answers.

In the meantime, ICE issued a statement that read, in full: “We take all matters seriously and are reviewing this situation in accordance with established protocols.”

Which, as always, means nothing will happen until it does, quietly, behind closed doors, with a memo explaining that it was unavoidable.