Thursday (Part 3 of Note Series)

~ I am a person, not a commodity ~

Perhaps an obvious sentiment to many, but this is something I have had to continuously work on and still struggle with.

Raised as a young girl and growing up to be a woman in a capitalist patriarchal culture still tinged with Puritan values, I was hit with a triple dose of messaging about how my worth is tied to my looks and desirability, my productive output, and the various ways that I can serve others.

Obviously there is nothing wrong with helping others — that’s an inherently good thing to do.

But at some point, my mind integrated these messages into an identity that became less about my own desires and my own happiness, and more about how well I could be used to make others’ lives better — whether that was by pleasing men with my looks and by fulfilling their fantasies, sweating out in a hayfield to prove my helpfulness and work ethic, unnecessarily neglecting myself so I could focus entirely on my children, or taking a job I hated so I could embody a certain vision of “usefulness”.

I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years, and during those years, I was repeatedly told that my only worth was whatever money I brought to the table (which, as a creative type, has never been a lot).

To this day, it’s hard for me to relax. This culture raised me to be a machine, and rest feels like a crime.

But I’m starting to take a certain rebellious delight in restructuring my life entirely so it serves more of my own purpose — even though it’s uncomfortable at times and I don’t feel like I deserve it.

Commodifying ourselves — reducing our worth to our output and ability to please others — only serves the people already in power who use other humans to enrich themselves.

The cost is our health, our wellbeing, our happiness. Our lives.

We are people. And our worth is inherent.

We are not commodities to be used up and thrown away.