I have to mourn my losses, incomprehensible though they are. I have to bring them to a human scale, a human life. It is not my first time at this kind of crossroads but I have never been here before. I was always bargaining. The bargaining is over now. The work of grief begins. What a reward for victory. What an outcome for doing the hardest work of my life. Congratulations — you did it. Now you have finally lost.