Honored to have been a contributing therapist in today’s Huffpost article on the burned-out pursuer dynamic! (and this was me in my first marriage).

“A burned-out pursuer is someone who has spent a long time trying to create closeness, communication or change in a relationship and eventually becomes emotionally exhausted, shuts down and begins to give up…

“It’s a misconception is that burned-out pursuers are especially needy, mean, controlling or overly emotional. It’s normal to want to resolve problems with someone you love and stay connected. 

“Initiating repair is a healthy relational instinct. Most burned-out pursuers have this positive intent. Many have been patient for a long time and have simply been carrying the emotional labor alone.”

One partner keeps reaching, initiating, trying to talk, trying to fix, trying to connect. And after years of feeling dismissed, minimized, or met with defensiveness, they hit a wall.

They don’t explode. They don’t necessarily leave. They just… stop.

That’s the burned-out pursuer. The partner who used to fight for the relationship and now feels numb, resentful, or detached.

If you recognize yourself in this pattern, my new book The Cost of Quiet walks you step-by-step through how to stop self-silencing, regulate your nervous system, and communicate in a way that actually leads to repair instead of exhaustion.