I mapped this cycle for a couple of years prior to leaving, before I even knew it was thing other people mapped. I blamed myself, my periods, you name it. But I knew I was happening. And then when I found it was a documented thing, it all validated me

Once I left, it ramped up HUGELY. Me leaving was abusive to him, so he reacted massively to my 'abandonment' of him. Over the last 2-3 years I have still been exposed to this cyclic pattern of abuse, even this week - This post is timely.

He was a chronic pot user, beer drinking alcoholic, and suffered (IMO) Traumatic brain injury from concussions via sport and has consistently refused to address any of these issues. I would get upset and end up screaming at him, about these issues and how they impacted the family. Me yelling is now his experience of abuse. I was the abusive one. I even hit him once (mentioned in another thread) as he was drunk driving me and the kids and drove dangerously while arguing and made me feel we would crash. He hit me back in front of the kids etc, and I am the abusive one because I HIT HIM. And its hard to ignore all of those statements when they are thrown at you over and over again. I would feel shame and remorse and beg for forgiveness and even now I still feel guilt and over empathy for 'ruining his life' as we progress through a slow financial separation, in which I 'Take all his money'....

This cycle is real and evident and I have empirical evidence to show I am being abused, that my rational brain completely understands - but that my emotional brain cant keep in the forefront, and I instead fall into depths of despair and remorse.

I have recently started a relationship with a VERY emotionally intelligent and gentle human, who understands the situation I am in and nurtures me well and appropriately. There are good people out there. But I'm still on a long road of recovery and guard my heart well.

Thank you Zawn, for the clarity of this post. This stuff is REAL. Even if the perp doesn't do it consciously (which is the benefit of the doubt I still apply to my Ex). But the point there is, that they need to CONSCIOUSLY see that it happens and take steps to stop the cycle. If they dont, it doesnt matter if its Unconscious or not. Its still an abuse pattern.