earlier today, or i guess yesterday because it’s somehow 6 am at this point, i was picking music for my instagram post and listened to a few seconds of ”wasteland, baby!” by hozier. i was not prepared for the bodily reaction i had to hearing that song. i was hit with a wave of what i can only describe as grief, but i don’t know exactly why. maybe for my pre-pandemic self. or for the relationship i was in at the time, in which i committed the classic mistake of dating a man who was equally sparse with affection as my dad. and staying in said relationship for several more years, even though i often wondered if he even liked me. or maybe it’s that i was in art school at the time and i’m sad because i miss making art with others. (is this a bad time to plug my membership? lol. come make art with me! if you want, not because i’m sad lol.)

i have no idea but i sure wish this heavy feeling would go away. fucking hozier, man. he often appears in my dreams at night and we almost get together, but never actually. which is funny because i never used to be attracted to him in the waking world, but these dreams have influenced me. ironically that’s also how i became interested in aforementioned ex. so i guess that’s one reason i don’t wanna go to sleep.

anyway. that’s wasteland, baby!