At an emotional level, I feel my reaction to non-binary probably similar to yours... too much ado about something that needs to be shouted about much less, and simply lived.

Still I am having trouble following your logic here. Supposed I belonged to a Frat filled with boozers and stoners. At parties folks would often bring me weed or beer, but it turns out I don't do either of these things, and I told the person bring the goods I am not a boozer or a stoner, no thanks.

It would be odd to say that I was upholding this division simply because I referred to a division that already existed in my response. You might say to me, hey Dan you shouldn't ever talk about boozers nor stoners, those are made up categories... you just be you. I would say, sure, but often people are trying to put me into these categories, so I need to reference those categories in order to say I don't fit them. Indeed if 95% of the frat was either a boozer or a stoner... it would make sense for me to create a new term the non-ers that would refer to me any my 5% buddies. I WOULD become an identity for me in this frat.... regardless of it I wanted to be my identity or not. Anytime you make visible choice that refutes assumptions made by 95% of the population you will be identified according to that 5% group.

Now you can say these guys WANT to be different, and WANT to have a special identity, thus they are shouting this distinction loudly. Ok, I can see how you might have that belief.... that could indeed be true. BUT even if it were NOT true, and they really did not want it to be a point of identity, IT STILL WOULD BE ONE.

The only way it will not be a point of identity is for the rest of us to stop caring about gender at all. If gender became as unimportant as say whether your ear lobed connects to your skull with an acute or obtuse angle, THEN a non-binary person could be non-binary and not bother to mention it. But as long as we humans mostly do put people into male and female buckets and care about that designation, then these others will stick out, REGARDLESS of what they do, or say.

Summary: Non-binary people are not upholding gender norms when the say they don't apply, any more than I am upholding boozer/stoner expectations when I say that this distinction does not apply to me.... even if I create a new word to refer to the minority group that does not fit into the boozer/stoner distinction, I STILL don't think I am upholding the distinction, rather I am simply acknowledging that this distinction DOES presently exist.

NOTE: The issue of race is one I care about. This gender thing is very weird for me... I cannot get excited about it. I was just trying to follow your logic here and I could not.