BREAKING: President Trump Congratulates Rory McIlroy on Masters Win, Then Tells Him “I Would’ve Beaten You Blindfolded with a Rake”

By Deacon Lang, Letters From the Wreckage

In a moment that perfectly captures America’s current fever dream presidency, Commander-in-Golf Donald J. Trump took time out from his morning rage-Tweetstorm and late-morning executive time to call newly crowned Masters champion Rory McIlroy with congratulations—and a challenge.

According to senior White House aides who are either terrified or halfway through a bottle of bourbon, the President told McIlroy, “Fantastic win, just beautiful. But let’s be honest, if I had been playing—real tournament, real conditions—I would’ve won. Easily. Blindfolded. With a rake. And I still would’ve had time to hold a rally and sign some Bibles.”

Sources close to McIlroy say he initially thought the call was a prank. “He started the call by calling me 'Randy McIntosh' and asking if Augusta was in Alabama,” said one source. “Then he pivoted to claiming he once shot a 58 there, playing solo, with ‘many people’ watching.”

Trump then reportedly offered to host a televised rematch at “Trump National Augusta,” a fictional course he insists exists “right next to the real Augusta but better—better holes, better flags, better everything. Even the azaleas are tremendous. People cry when they see them.”

Later that day, the White House press office confirmed the President’s remarks, adding, “President Trump respects Rory McIlroy, but let’s not pretend anyone’s ever seen him do what Trump does on the back nine after a Big Mac combo. The President is undefeated in golf. Just ask him.”

They then played a grainy clip of Trump sinking a two-foot putt in 2013, declaring it “the greatest moment in American sports history.”

At a hastily assembled press conference, Trump doubled down: “Rory’s a nice guy. Irish, right? Love the Irish. We have a lot in common—we both like green. But let me tell you something: If I played him, real match, real stakes, I’d win. Unless the Democrats interfered. Which they might. It’s all rigged, folks. Rigged against me. Even the wind hates me now.”

When asked if he planned to attend the Masters next year, Trump said, “I’d go, but they don’t let real champions play. They’re afraid I’ll break records. And maybe some windows with my drives—they go so far, it’s incredible.”

Rory McIlroy, for his part, issued a brief, diplomatic statement that read: “I’m honored by the President’s call. I appreciate his enthusiasm for the game of golf. I will not, however, be competing on a course with a bronze Trump statue on every hole and Diet Coke fountains instead of water hazards.”

Back on Capitol Hill, Senate Republicans issued a joint statement praising Trump’s “athletic prowess, unflinching confidence, and beautiful, beautiful wrists.”

Meanwhile, Democrats quietly wondered if they were still technically part of a functioning democracy.

As of press time, Trump was reportedly on the phone with the Masters committee demanding they rename Amen Corner to “Trump’s Glory Zone.”