Have we talked about the baboons?

In Kenya in the 1970s/80s, there was a group of baboons that were under observation by primatologist Robert Sapolsky. Apparently, baboons are assholes. There is a hierarchy, usually based on aggression, and the alpha male baboons regularly bully the lower-status troop members. They don't help around the forest. They leave all the child care to the females. They don't engage with one another beyond their baboon posturing.

Baboons also experience high levels of stress--not surprising if Pete the Aggressive Primate King is constantly acting like a dick and never helping out.

One day, the chest-thumper baboon bros found a stash of human food that had been left behind. Being the un-community minded primates they were, they ate it all. Didn't share a single bit.

Well, dear reader, the food was tainted with bovine tuberculosis.

Short story, they all died. Whomp whomp.

Sapolsky figured that without the aggressive male leaders, the troop would fall apart, so he packed up his bags and headed home. Nothing to see here.

Except...

It turns out that when the alpha baboons poisoned themselves to death, the rest of the troop, the females, offspring, and less aggressive males, took it upon themselves to make some changes.

When Sapolsky returned 10 years later, he found the Forest Troop living like that Coca-Cola commercial of days gone by, in perfect harmony. Male baboons, who never did any grooming or took part in any tiny baboon care, were grooming each other and taking care of the wee ones.

Everyone was chill. Everyone was less stressed.

The Forest Troop was not only living, they were living their best baboon lives.

And it gets better--they noticed that when other aggressive males tried to enter the troop and assert any kind of dominance, the Forest Troop smacked them down right from the start.

None of that chest-thumping bully crap here, fellas. Sharpen your nails and go comb some kiddie baboon mane. Make a coconut water date. Play a bit.

The moral of the story is obvious.

Anyway, in these days of alpha this and beta that, of super aggressive behavior, it seemed like a good story to tell.

We can have nice things. Probably even without the poisoned food.

**

I heard about the Forest Troop not that long ago and filed it away for a day when I was feeling salty.